But Inside I Want to Scream!

I Hate the World Today.

2009-08-27T01:14:00.002-05:00

Yes... so I stole lyrics from Meredith Brooks. But for today... I just want to hide under my covers and hope my monsters go away. Really, I never thought Kevin could do a week on week off. But for the first time ever it happened. My heart feels so broken... I cannot stand not seeing my babies for a week. Camille calls crying, asking me to come pick her up. I can't exactly explain that would be kidnapping. So I do my best to tell her that we will see each other soon, send all the girls e-cards, and call once a day. Really I would call like fifteen times a day... but that would be borderline psycho. The first week of school is my territory. I have been a stay at home mom, and Kevin has never been interested before. Now he is super controlling. I'm so mad that one person can choose to destroy a family of five, without any input from anyone else. I feel like I am running out of appropriate adult reactions. I just want to scream.

So tomorrow is a fresh start. Tomorrow is my chance to surround myself with peace at DBU. Tomorrow is my chance to catch up with Dr. Mullen. Tomorrow I get to physically see Bryan. But God, please, could you just make the tears stop so I can sleep? Mark called... he gave me a pep talk, and a get it together talk all in one. He even offered to come spend the night. Now I'm thinking I should have accepted... I could use a shoulder to cry on for awhile. Mark's parents divorced when he was Gigi's age... he has lots of wisdom from the kids prospective. Not only that, but being a former teacher, he has solid advice. I wish Mark was here to hold me.

Mark did advise me tonight to ask Kevin, politely, to send all messages via email. That way everything is documented and we won't fight over what was or was not said. I did that. Here is the hump I just can't get over... small group Bible Study with Kevin. I couldn't go tonight. The thought of being in a small room worshipping with him made me literally vomit. This is scary... the kids in school full time, I'm in school full time, the million appointments we all have, homework, and paying bills. I really do wish Angel lived closer... I would love a roommate. Everyday is a new beginning... I'll just try again tomorrow. Bur for now, *ouch*, my head hurts. I hope this isn't depression creeping up on me. Anything but that.

The darker the night, the brighter the tomorrow.

2009-06-05T22:24:00.001-05:00

Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone.

2009-06-03T03:42:00.003-05:00

I feel like a series of labels... I guess you could say I am the girl with PTSD, anxiety disorder, major depression, dysthymia, adjustment disorder... who the heck knows what else. Oh, maybe I also have hippocampus envy. You know in depressed people they generally have smaller hippocampuses... by the way you can get an artificial hippocampus now... just visit Ohio. In general, I think that I cope well and have worked really hard to overcome these labels. But then, wham, life throws a curve ball, and here I am... a crying heap of very embarrassing, socially unacceptable labels. I hate labels.

But you know what I hate more... in order to get better, I have to do the opposite of what feels instinctual. I want to curl up in my pajamas, stay in bed, read, take a bubble bath, and nap. That is what my body is telling me to do. Just sip some Gatorade now and then and rest. Wrong! Nope, no matter how bad I want to just stay alone and cry away the day, I have to do things to get better. Bryan helped me come up with a list, and they weren't even unenjoyable things. His list included things like going to Starbucks, having lunch with a friend, getting a massage. Do you know I actually cancelled a massage. It's true. And for those of you who care about my manicures and pedicures (none of you), let's just say I'm in desperate need of a nail salon. See, these are not difficult things. What else: jumping on the trampoline, swimming with the kids, bike riding. He didn't even use dreaded words like a stair stepper or weight lifting. Nope, easy breezy tasks. But they are not.

For now, I will pull my fake smile out of the drawer, glue it to my face, hope no one notices my puffy eyes (guess I could add shopping for sunglasses to the list) and force myself to go to my re-scheduled massage and facial. Really -- you know a girl is having a hard time when that seems like a chore.

I know this will pass. I mean it has the million other times it has happened. But the timing just sucks. It is happening right in the middle of my divorce. Can't crazy take a break? But it just reinforces totally illogical reasoning that I must be to blame for the divorce. Or I am damaged goods. Or maybe I do need to go to Ohio for a new artificial hippocampus. I'm sure it's all the rage.

Just like the title of my blog... Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone.

The inspiration.

2009-05-31T15:23:00.002-05:00

I love to follow a blog entitled "Randi's Reality." Randi is an inspiration -- her story is one so many of us could be living. In life, we are all a few bad choices away from what happened to Randi. She is in prison for drugs. But she uses her time in an awesome way... she shares God's word with others. When you read her blog, you can't help but to feel a tug at your heartstrings. I came across her blog in an unusual way -- her sister Shauna. Shauna helps run burbmom.net, and it responsible for the beautiful makeover of my blog. We realized we lived close to each other... and then I learned about her sister.

When my days seem dark, and life takes me on paths I really don't want to be on, I think of Randi. She is in a place no one would want to be. And yet she focuses on God, and the glory he can bring to her and others. She is a disciple for Christ. When I'm depressed, her blog is one of the first I turn to. So here is a shout out to Randi -- you make this world a better place. If you get a chance, visit her blog at randisreality.com. Anyway, she had this poem posted, and I love it:

As I look in the mirror, on the wall,
I see me, looking back, at who is supposed to be me....
Am I surprised at what I see,
or should I turn around, one hundred,
and eighty degrees?
That will make me turn the other cheek....
Take a good look around, before I speak....
Then I can think, before I say,
I want to look at myself in a different way...
I should always be happy, when I look myself in the face....
As far as I'm concerned, I can't be replaced.
I'm one of a kind, and I'm unique,
when I look back in the mirror, and the mirror speaks......
It's only myself, telling me, to do what it takes, to be a better me.

By: James A. Tinsley (JT)

My poor neglected blog!

2009-05-21T00:13:00.002-05:00

I seem to blog in spurts... and the spurts just aren't happening. But rather than being accused of slacking (ahem... you know who you are... and there is more than one of you!) I will blog. So here is a loaded question I have read and pondered:

I also want you to think about this concept of personal baggage and how it has affected your current and/or your past relationships. Once you do a personal baggage check, declare one piece you no longer want to carry with you. I’m being a bit vague on purpose here because your interpretation of my request will say a lot about your personal situation. So what about you? Are you ready to start traveling lighter with less personal baggage? If so, what are you ready to leave behind today?

So I am going to ponder that a while longer... like I said, literally a loaded question. I would love to lose the PTSD baggage. As hard as I try it seems to morph into different anxieties, nightmares, and situations. But I am optimistic -- until my next panic attack. See... I can't seriously blog... my sarcasm level is too high. I promise to try again soon.

UPDATE ON THE DIVORCE:

Mr. Man is living in a hotel. The boundaries are still weird because he shows up at odd hours. But I close on my house June 4th! Ironically A closes on her house the same day... I see that as a sign of good luck! Oh, and the street address is the same last four digits of Lily's phone number when we were growing up. And Lily lived on a street with the same name. I don't so much believe in luck as I do God whispers. I think God is nudging me along... at least in life... not this blog.

Bloggers block?

2009-04-25T00:28:00.002-05:00

I have had bloggers block... not for a lack of *drama* in my life... just too much drama that I don't know where to begin. So Kevin was ordered to move out by May 1. We went to mediation and his legal team (two lawyers and a paralegal) made an attempt for Kevin to keep the house. So the mediator (a former family judge) said that if I found a house within a certain price range in a certain city, to go ahead and buy it. I looked and found nothing! My mom looked in that price range, and found nothing. So I was going through the MLS once more and found a newly listed *beautiful* house, in the right city, in the right price range, on a cul-de-sac, with a pool, and lots of kids on the street. Good news, huh?

Not so fast... Kevin now can't decide what he wants. Really? Still? Haven't we been through this ad nauseam? I offered to move out, and he thought the price range was too high, or he didn't like the neighborhood. So then he was ordered to move out. He can't decide on anything and made a power play (misleading the mediator) in order to keep this house. My *one* attorney informed the mediator of the judges order -- that overrides anything in mediation, unless I agree to a change of the orders. So I did my homework (again) and he is still disagreeable! He said he can't make up his mind. I have never met a more confused individual in my life. He doesn't know what team he is batting for, he doesn't want the ramifications that come with divorce, he doesn't know where he wants to live... I could go on and on.

So we are back to the ever important word boundaries! I told him I would look at this one house, and if I liked it, we could make an offer. But I told him that was it... I am not running all over town wasting my time and my mom's time trying to find a house that he will always say no to. I'm not putting my life on hold any longer. If he says no to this, I told him I am staying put, just like the judge ordered. I will eventually sell this house, and find another one. I am tired of the drama and emotional energy it takes to negotiate with him. I am going to have to have the conversation that the locks will be changed May 1. No more letting him stay here, with all his crap, on his week. He needs to pack and go, or I need to pack and go... the concept really seems quite simple... that is what a divorce is!!!

He has lied about his work schedule; he still has not produced the all of the financial information; he has lied about where he works; he has failed to disclose one of his trust funds (this is his effort to say we have no liquid assets)... the list could go on and on. I feel like this is some hellish version of a high school breakup. The only difference (which are major differences) is that we have kids involved and community property to divide. However, if we stick to his schedule, we won't be divorced for the next ten years! I want to move on with life!

I get that these are all big decisions, but given the fact that he has been planning this divorce for well over a year, he needs to get a handle on things. He needs to understand that you don't get to fire your wife, and keep all of the kids, money, and assets. The children are suffering the most! If for no other reason, this should motivate him to make up his freaking mind!

I am proud of myself for pushing forward despite his unwillingness to settle this. I'm taking my co-parenting class -- I can't force him to go -- but I will and do the best I can for the kids. Since I was awarded the house, I called to have the roof inspected after the hailstorm. And yes, we do need a new roof -- problem is I can't even get Kevin to tell me who insures our house! I think it is State Farm, but he dodges the question. So I will spend fifty dollars to call my attorney, who will call his attorney who will charge another fifty dollars, and then more money for the information to go between the lawyers and finally get to me. Can you say crazy? Can you say irritating? Can you say control freak? Geez!!!

So here is my motto right now:

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know it is me.

That's it... as frustrating and silly as this is, all I can do is be proactive and keep on keeping on.

Oh wait... don't let me forget the silver lining... after describing the psychological turmoil the kids are in, and given the fact that this divorce is so complex, the mediator ordered us to see an LPC for parental coaching. Heh... that is the PC word for "You freaking people need to get your crap together for the kids, so we are forcing you into therapy!" That makes me happy, very happy. Being forced to sit down with a neutral third party to help with a co-parenting plan is one of the best things that could happen right now! Our lovely little girls deserve stability, structure, routine, and consistency to make this transition as easy as possible. So I will end on that very happy note! ;)

My first week without my kids.

2009-04-15T00:28:00.003-05:00

I agreed to a week on and a week off for custody. Kevin loves the girls and wants to spend time with them -- I can't argue with that. But here is the rub: he has not found a house yet, so I moved out for his week on. I miss my girls terribly. I miss every little girl giggle, braiding hair, saying prayers... all of it!

And it is not like I am alone. I am staying with a friend of 15 years. He and his partner took the week off to stay with me. Mark is a gourmet chef and has made some amazing meals... the kind that just make you feel like you are in culinary heaven! They have wined and dined me; we have played games; we have been on long walks; we have spent time with their neighbors. They turn down my bed at night and treat me like a queen. It seems like at least once an hour I hear, "Kimmy, we are so happy you are here." I have a beautiful guest room and bathroom. And I get to speak my native language... adult English. All of this is fantastic, and I am grateful beyond words. But I miss Camille, Gigi, and Charlotte.

Kevin "forgot" he has to work tomorrow, so I will get to pick the girls up from school. Then I will take them to church and get them to bed... then leave again for Dallas. I can't wait to scoop them up and love all over them! Kevin goes back to work Friday, so he will be moving back to his hotel and I will go home.

Despite my custody issues, I am so blessed. During my marriage I lost touch with lots of friends. But just like true blue friends they are here for me. We laugh, we cry, and we get silly. Maybe this little break is a good thing. But it does not stop me from watching slideshows of the girls on my laptop!

The birds and the bees.

2009-04-09T23:28:00.002-05:00

Some of our neighbors just adopted their third child from Russia. They were throwing a "meet Lex" party, so I took the girls. As we were walking home, Camille said when she grows up she isn't having kids -- she is adopting. So I told her that was a cool choice and their are lots of kids who need good homes... just ask Madonna. Then she dropped the bomb... she said, "I'm not having kids because I think I know what you have to do to make them." Of course I inquired, but she thought she might get in trouble for saying "the" word. So I said, "Sex, are you asking about sex?" And yes, that is indeed what she wanted to know about *at eight years old.* She thought people get in trouble for having sex. So we talked about how God created sex for procreation and love in the confines of marriage. But she still has a ton of questions. I'm doing my best to answer... but yikes, this is uncomfortable territory!

A little spring cleaning around the blog...

2009-04-06T00:18:00.001-05:00

Well, Shauna did an awesome job on my blog. So hear is a shout out to you Shauna... love you girl! Have fun in Mexico!

Living on the edge of a divorce.

2009-04-05T23:50:00.003-05:00

I am literally clinging to every precious and positive thing in my life right now. The emotional pain of watching my three little girls deal with this divorce is enough to make anyone sick. I took them to the lake this weekend to go sailing. Friday started out edgy to begin with: Camille didn't get home from school until 5:35 because the bus was caught in traffic, NASCAR was going on full-blast, so then we sat in more traffic. Camille cried inconsolably all the way to the lake. She said she needed to cry... and frankly, I wished I could of joined her. But I was out in the middle of the country and it was pitch black.. I only had words to bridge the gap to the backseat. Just when I thought Camille's tears were terrible, another unwelcome noise joined the chorus. Gigi started vomiting... everywhere! Let me reiterate I was the only adult in the car, we were on a narrow highway, with no medians, in the pitch dark. There was nowhere to stop! All I could think about was getting to the boat ASAP. I have never been so happy to see my parents. I'm sure they were thrilled to open my car door and find the chaos ensuing!

My little Camille is really struggling though. I would do anything for her. Tonight I pleaded with Kevin for him to move out to an extended stay apartment until he buys his house. Something has to change. I'm just wondering when Kevin will realize every person he lives with is in therapy, and yet he is Mr. Perfect? Surely common sense is alive and well... somewhere.

I am pushing my attorney, I have a meeting with the social worker, I must have progress. I will not allow the kids to keep living in this insane environment. It is not fair to them. They are the only innocent victims of this divorce. And I don't want to role model "how to be a victim" to my daughters. I want to teach them how to be strong, healthy -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually, down to earth, wonderful kids. I can't change the divorce, but I can change how they see me. I will be a good role model for them. God, please bless and protect my children.

Random quiz.

2009-03-28T16:15:00.001-05:00

You Are The Brain

You're the type of person who's always on, always churning.

You are alert and quick to react. You like to stay busy.

You are responsible but also demanding. You take up a lot of energy.

You are someone of deep mystery. There's a lot below the surface that's hard to figure out.

What Internal Organ Are You?

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last!

2009-03-20T14:51:00.002-05:00

Permagrin! That is all I have to say. I have this huge smile on my face. It is not a smug smile, or a gotcha smile... It is a glorious, I finally had the courage and strength to do it smile. I was petrified of court. Xanax was my best friend last night! But this morning I did it!

And Bryan gave me permission to sneak an "I told you so" in for my dad. Ha! Thanks to everyone who knew I was strong enough, even when I doubted myself. Yes, I needed some gentle nudging... maybe that is understating things... But I did it.

He is going to be gone... and I am not sad! I will love not being around him all the time. I can reclaim my life. And it will be an awesome life! I am so darn happy right now. Thank you God!

And how is this for funny: My friends are having a doormat burning party for me! Heheheh.... I can't wait to roast marshmallows over my burning doormat. Could life be any sweeter?

I am freaking out!

2009-03-19T18:12:00.002-05:00

Oh, this is going to be one heck of a long night. I'm trying to stay calm... but the paralegal keeps calling with all sorts of last minute questions. I am edgy, moody, and scared. Worst case scenario: I have to move out and we get split custody. That is already what I offered, so I shouldn't be so scared.

But maybe it is we are about to actually sever ties. Maybe it is that all of my hopes and dreams are becoming numbers on a piece of legal paper. But maybe these were not my dreams to begin with. I never wanted to marry a doctor and play the role of the doctor's wife. Sure, it's a nice dream. But the reality of it sucks. Now is my chance to seize the moment and create the life of my dreams. I get to choose something new, and something better. I get to start over.

I almost wish I didn't know when the court date was. Someone would just show up and say the judge is ready for you. That would be easier. Waiting... it is always the waiting that sucks. But come on, I've been waiting for nine months. Here is the other thing: I have hardly told anyone about my court date. I haven't called my friends... I need to do that. I just don't want to get everyone excited again if things fall through. But I need my friends right now. I do.

Thank goodness I have school tomorrow.

2009-03-18T17:53:00.002-05:00

I hope my anxiety is peaking. Reality is firmly sinking in that this is it. Things are almost over. Bye-bye drama and hello new life. But there are so many things to worry about. I hate worrying... it really is a big time waster. However, I need to be as prepared as possible. And the truth is I just don't know how to do certain things. Maybe I need to come up with a who is going to help me with what list. That's a good idea. Then I can ask that person to help me and not feel such a heavy burden.

So things have been going well with my brother. Well enough to ask him to get involved with my finances? I don't know. But my dad just makes me worry even more. My mom is like me... she doesn't know anything... Which is why when I learn, I'm teaching my girls everything! Pilot K always helps when something is broken and my Kevin isn't around. That will not work... Dale would help. Shoot... I guess I'll figure it all out as it comes... I hate that.

Where is that freaking magic wand? I need my anxiety to *poof* be gone. Oh... xanax... that is why I have a prescription for it!

Boundary? I'm not sure.

2009-03-17T21:48:00.004-05:00

Last night I tried avoiding all contact with Kevin. Since he either has the kids sleeping in his bed, or he is in their beds, I avoided bedtime. Today the girls were mad at me for not praying with them and tucking them in. So I promised I would come kiss them goodnight tonight. I went upstairs and even though it is almost 10:00 at night, and Camille has school tomorrow, they were up. So I couldn't help myself from saying it was past bedtime. I have to let Kevin parent. I hugged and kissed the girls, and said goodnight. They were playing Monopoly, so I told them I would pray for them. Then Kevin said, "Goodnight Mommy, we love you."

I was telling the kids goodnight. Not him. And he doesn't get to love me. Sorry, but he doesn't. And that is confusing to the kids too. So should I have not told them goodnight? Or do I just chalk this up to more confusing moments that will resolve themselves when we separate. That sounds easy... But I'm not getting my hopes up about court... I could very well sit there all day and not get a hearing. Hmm... I think maybe this is more pre-court anxiety disguising itself as a boundary issue. Or is it a boundary issue?

You take the L out of lover, and it's OVER.

2009-03-17T20:35:00.002-05:00

I guess the best worst news is that hopefully this is almost over. But I'm good and angry. And I feel entitled to be angry, thank you very much! The way Kevin initiated and then proceeded with this divorce has been a back-handed, passive-aggressive, cowardly way to ask for a divorce. He served me with papers and then what... stalled, didn't produce finances, and made everything as difficult as possible. Which leads me to the conclusion that hell hath no fury like a passive-aggressive, alpha male that is dominated by his dick. Yep... I just said that.

Secretly I think he was hoping this day would come... that he wouldn't have to do the dirty work of taking things back to court. It soothes his conscious. He thinks I'm the mean one for going back to court and not mediating. But how much time is reasonable. I think that nine months has been more than reasonable. And this is for temporary orders. In the state of Texas, temporary orders are supposed to be issued within 10 days... so nine months is ridiculously reasonable... If not passive on my part.

But I don't think I really got it until this weekend. It is broken... it cannot be fixed. Kevin is not going to wake up and have an epiphany that this marriage can work... that we can work. Because we can't. And the truth is we crossed that threshold long ago. This is so over... I can't keep pretending things may work out. Because they won't. And I don't want them too because I deserve better, and the girls deserve better.

I can't control Kevin. I can't control court. I can't control his lawyer. But I can control my future and my destiny. I can choose not to live like this. I can choose to start living life again. It is time to take care of me. It isn't easy taking this leap of faith... but that is why faith is faith.

2009-03-13T23:05:00.003-05:00

Manicures.

2009-03-13T22:15:00.003-05:00

I'm already laughing about the chipped nail polish -- well, maybe just smiling -- not real laughing. But it makes me wonder what else I will be able to look back on and laugh. People who don't blog or journal miss out on a lot. If you can't laugh at yourself...

Oh, and Bryan, I want to challenge you on the manicure issue. Can you bring me a signed note from M that says she has not had a manicure since you've known her. Oh, I forgot, you are the one who gets to give out the homework. Here is a tip for you though: don't ask her that. I've never met a bride without nice nails for the pictures. And I am beginning to agree manicures are just another tedious chore. So I bought stuff to do my own... which means they won't get done very often. But here is the thing... I've spent my whole life thinking guys notice things like chipped nails. It is the equivalent (ohh.. Bryan this will make you mad) of pajama day. *shudder* Unkempt nails basically tell the world -- I don't care! So I have taken lots of effort to have nice and all natural, all mine, no whatever that fake stuff is, completely organic and cage free beautified nails -- and you know the only people who notice? Other women! It is so true. I had a little facebook feud with Kim L. We were supposed to meet for lunch at 11 and she changed it to 1 so she could make her nail appointment. So I semi-jokingly told her that I see how things are, she has to work me around a manicurists schedule. Then she replied, "No B***h, I just don't want to look nasty in public." Yep, that is my friend from church. And I just love her to pieces.

So, chipped nail polish, no polish... whatever... glad everyone can have a good laugh... Now if I can just get Kim L. to buy into that line!

***Edit***

Bryan, I completely get the difference in pajama day, but I'm laughing at everyone... even you!

Memo to the world.

2009-03-13T18:40:00.002-05:00

To everyone, including me:

I do not hate Kevin; I love Kevin. Nobody held a gun to my head and said marry him. I picked him all by myself. Not only did I choose him, I loved every little thing about him. The books he read, his goofy jokes that no one else got, his love of debating politics, and lots of other things that I will keep personal. Things, that I, his once wife, will always treasure.

He is a great dad. He does things with the girls that I completely admire and wish my dad had done with me. He is capable of teaching them things I can't or just don't want to teach them -- like dissecting a dead animal. That is something I will never do. And cars... Kevin is a freaking car genius... he tells the car dealers more informations than they know. That holds no appeal for me. And my efforts at getting Camille to talk to him are paying off -- and I am happy about that. Even when I want to feel a wee bit resentful. I know he can do, teach, and be uniquely their father. And once again, I did choose to make babies with him. And man did we make beautiful babies... now we need to work together to raise them.

So yes, court is coming up. Things might have to get worse before the get better. But while they get worse, I want to think... and hope... and dream... that one day we can be good friends.

I've been talking to Randall a couple of times a day now. I remember for awhile how I just didn't want to be around him. I remember thinking just quit asking me to marry you and we will be fine. I loved him, and broke his heart. And you know what, he is still one of my best friends. His wife is adorable and so are his girls. Life worked out beautifully... we were not meant to be married... but we were destined for a great friendship. Maybe that is what I can hope for Kevin and me.

Kevin is not a monster. Not even close... he is a human being... lost in his own way... just like everyone else.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

2009-03-13T12:21:00.002-05:00

"The Little Engine That Could" has always been one of my favorite all times best children's books. Now I feel like that little blue engine. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.... Ugh! A court date... finally! But now I am scared right out of my skin. I know what is coming and it is not pretty. And the week leading to the court day will be surely one of the more hellish weeks I will spend. There is nothing like a looming court date to make things more tense around here. And I didn't think more tense was possible.

Now that Kevin has so much on the line, it is going to be a nightmare. His steely determination to make me into a psychopath will come to full fruition. It will be a week of him pushing my buttons in every possible way. And not only that, court is nasty, and mean. I don't rejoice in any of it... as a matter of fact, I liken it to the Spanish Inquisition. And I want to ask, "Why can't he just be reasonable and work this out?" But I can't keep asking that, because then I justify in my head that he is capable of that... if I only give him more time. That is the trap I keep falling into. I cannot, repeat, cannot allow myself to be derailed again. This is it... things are over. All I can do is hope and pray that Kevin and his gaggle of legal personnel will be seen for what they are in front of the judge. I have one lawyer... Kevin has his "team." I honestly want what is best for the girls... for them to see mom and dad as much as possible. On the other hand, Kevin is demanding that I have supervised visitation because I am so "unfit." Which would be funny if his lawyer wasn't actually trying to paint that picture. This is what I have to do to make it over the hill. I will have to turn myself into the Little Engine that Could.

Emme, Bryan liked it too, and since I can't sleep.

2009-03-10T02:56:00.002-05:00

1. You wake up and discover that it's a rainy, dreary day out. Does this affect your attitude at all or do you tend to stay happy no matter what the weather was doing?

I happen to love rainy days -- especially if I can curl up with a great book and read all day. But I like puddles (except when I have on my good shoes) and don't even own an umbrella. Rain feels like it is washing everything away... getting ready for a fresh start. The only weather I don't like is when the tornado sirens go off -- not so much for me, but the girls freak out.

2. What would you rather receive from a friend: a specially chosen gift or a quiet evening just spent together?

I would choose the evening together every time. After all, is there a better gift than time? Lily and I buy each other plane tickets occasionally, but it is all for the purpose of the spending time together.... and I would give anything to lay in bed with her right this very minute.

3. Do you tend to be happiest in a crowd of close friends, with one or two friends, or alone?

I have my one or two really close friends. The kind that would do anything for you at any time. I like hanging with them because the conversations tend to be deeper. But I also enjoy a crowd of close friends at the right time. I have a friend that has game night -- that is a blast -- I always have lots of fun and lots of laughs. But I also like alone time. Not the isolating, shouldn't be doing it alone time -- but just quiet time to reflect and pray.

4. If money were no object, would you remain in your current career?

Well, I would love to remain a stay at home mom, but kids grow up. And I would love to remain a student forever, because I love the mental stimulation. But if I could have any career, and money were no object, it would be... I don't know, but something that requires world travel to exotic places. Or maybe a great brooding author, with my writing home on the coast of Maine. This could include the travel... a travel author. There you have it.

5. Take the quiz: What kind of happy are you?

You Are Affectionate

Your life is full of love and friendship - and you always have more to give.

You have an open heart. You are willing to take that leap and put your faith in people.

You see the good in everyone and everything. You are a very sympathetic person.

The people you love make you very happy. You feel warmly toward those around you.

What Kind of Happy Are You?

6. What single part of your life are you happiest with right now?

School, because it is a peaceful escape. The campus is beautiful, the people are friendly, I love my professors, and who can resist sitting in a rocking chair overlooking the lake between classes? There is a God calm there. Just peace and tranquility... and I need as much as that as possible.

OMG Her nail polish chipped!

2009-03-08T22:04:00.003-05:00

Bryan, when you said I have a tendency towards drama -- that is putting it nicer than it sounded -- I really wanted to disagree. (I'm editing: I should have said thrown a tantrum instead of wanted to disagree, but I digress.) Drama in the sense that I was a good thespian in high school maybe... but other than that? I've always said if there is too much drama, then you need to change the channel. But *I suppose* you were right. Ugh... I hate dramatic people... which by default makes me self-loathing? Hmm.... a mental tangent. Anyway, I did deserve the "drama queen" label after my little rebellion. Okay, maybe I'm minimizing it, but give me a tinsy break. And you laughed at my chipped manicure, which really pissed me off. Because without a scalpel, I will never have a pretty manicure. Scissors do not cut plastic off make up. A scalpel is a necessary part of my beauty routine... and this is Dallas. Note to self: ask the sales lady to do it at time of purchase and let her ruin her manicure. So after much ranting at you poor Bryan, I guess perhaps I can be a bit dramatic.

So today Camille starts screaming. I run into the room -- my mom had taken her for a manicure and pedicure -- and behold... a chip in her nail polish! It was dramatic. And I laughed... and then felt horrible about laughing... a chipped nail can be awful! So Mrs. Cleaver (I'm re-naming my mom) took her back to the salon for a touch up. So how twisted that I can laugh at my 8 year olds chipped nails and not my own. Perhaps others don't look at her nails like she is unkempt. But ha ha... I'm still laughing. A freaking 8 year old with a chipped nail. Another note to self: Bryan is right again, I am teaching them drama. *ouch!*

My parents house.

2009-03-08T01:49:00.004-06:00

I am sitting in my brother's old room with the three angels fast asleep. And you know what, it has not been so bad. Unfortunately, I had one flashback while sleeping with Camille. It freaked her out a little. I guess I was shaking and crying in my sleep and it woke her up. I don't even remember the dream. I told her it was just a nightmare, and that we all have them. She said, "Yeah, but mom, you looked like you were having a seizure." How does she know what a seizure looks like? Too much time with her dad at the ER maybe. But she was right, my face was wet with tears, and I was drenched in sweat. Which makes me wonder how often I might have flashbacks and not even know it. Is that possible?

Anyway, this has been sheer bliss, nightmares and all. Which is the exact reason I cannot move to Plano. My parents overindulge me. When we were loading up for the weekend, my mom took all of the dirty laundry I had in my laundry room and brought it with us. She has washed and pressed everything -- even my sheets! How I love freshly ironed sheets, and she sprays them with lavender water while steaming them. My parents only asked one thing of me: to be present at every meal with the kids. Other than that, they had the weekend planned for me to "rest and reflect." Personally, I think it is a reward for finally taking Kevin back to court.

So I got up this morning to have breakfast. First of all, I'm not a breakfast person, or even a morning person. But guess how I awoke? My dad standing in the room with a Venti Soy cappuccino from Starbucks. Yep, I can handle breakfast. On weekends, my parents go all out when they cook. So there were homemade Belgium waffles with assorted fresh berries and homemade whipped cream, croissants, watermelon, cantaloupe, bacon, and sausage. Umm... there is no recession in Plano. After we ate my parents said go ahead and catch up on your sleep. Please, twist my arm. A full belly, giggling girls planning their special day with their grandparents and me -- freedom. So I tried watching a movie, but could not stay awake. So, oh precious sleep -- it was mine! *of course now look at the time*

Then the girls got home from their shopping trip. They had new clothes, new shoes, new DS games, new movies, and kites. Normally I would tell my dad he is spoiling them and they'll have nothing to look forward too. But I was enjoying the spoiling, so I just let it be. It was 80 degrees and gorgeous. They headed to the park for some kite flying while I showered and talked to A for awhile. Then they were back home for lunch and to watch High School Musical 3. Then they went to swim at the rec center while I curled up with a book. Not a school book -- a real book.

The night ended with a steak and lobster dinner. With all of my favorite side dishes: my mom's homemade caesar salad, asparagus, artichoke (yes Bryan, I thought of you each and every delicious bite), corn, and homemade sourdough bread. Pure gluttony. Oh, and I left out dessert: homemade strawberry shortcake. I whisked my wee ones off to my parents oversized bath and let them have their private bubble baths. Then we curled up and read books. Then they went to sleep -- no fussing and no fighting.

It scares me in a way, because my parents are doing their best to lure me to Plano. And the point is at some time, I'm going to have to grow up. Someday soon I'll pay bills. I'll have to keep a budget. Forty dollar underwear will be way out of the question. But part of me likes fantasy land. I'm not really responsible for anything other than my kids. Which is lots of responsibility, but in the grand scheme of life.... So here are more boundaries. How much do I let my parents shower me and the kids with material things? My dad is already talking about a cruise and Disney World next summer. I can't afford that -- he knows that, so he's inherently saying "on me." But can I take off school and work? Will I be working? I don't even know where I'll be living.

So I'll chalk this weekend up to being Daddy's little girl again. But there it is: another freaking boundary. I can't control what food they serve -- that's the way I grew up. But I can control the shopping. I can at least limit the shopping to the kids. My dad had my mom take me shopping and seriously, I should have said no. Because going back to the underwear, who sees them? Sure they are beautiful, and I feel pretty even when no one else sees them... but forty dollars a pair can buy food and shelter. And now this sounds like the ramblings of a spoiled brat. Which is why I must figure out how much help is appropriate to accept. I need to learn about finances. I have no idea about budgeting and sticking to one. That is one of my new goals.

Heh... I am looking forward to breakfast tomorrow. ;)

Okay, so I have this friend who wants me to play along.

2009-03-02T21:19:00.003-06:00

You know, I have to say I'm not really a fan of these questionnaires. But I have a friend who reads my blog, and *never* leaves public comments... which is a hint. You know who you are. But she wants me to play along. So once again, without further ado, Patrick's Saturday Six:

1. When you write on your blog, are you more often trying to entertain, inform, or persuade?

Really none of the above. Blogging is therapy. It is my outlet to shout out my problems, put my problems in black and white, and hope for some useful feedback. It is sharing the part of me that I'm brilliant at hiding. And as a teaser, I have a new blog in the works that is not therapeutic in nature. It is going to be about me taking on the world as a newly divorced parent, raising kids, keeping family updated on the kiddos lives, and journaling their childhoods. My therapy blog will still be there, but it too is getting a makeover. I have found peace and feel not so isolated when I enter the blogosphere.

2. Do you feel you're successful most of the time?

Well, I keep doing it, so it must be working on some level. Actually as much as I like taking a pen to paper and engaging in the lost are of beautiful cursive writing, blogging is easier and fun. Do I always communicate well? No. But I'm putting myself, my real self, out there. So even if no one on earth read it, I still like the feeling of releasing my joys, fears, phobias, drama, and life out into the universe. There is something I *love* about clicking "Publish Post." That is music to my ears. It serves the purpose of cathartic release.

3. Do you consider yourself to be more bold online than in person, or the other way around?

I would really be shocked if people were more bold in person. Well this blog is semi-anonymous, so I'm certainly more forthcoming. The things on this blog I would *never* say to some acquaintance I met on the street. However, this blog has helped me choose to be my authentic self in real life. I'm not so stand offish. Now I try to be the first one to say hello and smile. *Something I love about the South, you can smile and chat with total strangers and it is considered normal behavior* I have found myself developing friendships with people I normally would not talk to. And when I say I would normally not talk to -- that is not snobbishness, that is my own feelings of inadequacy. So these questions might actually be useful, because I had an epiphany. Bryan, you were right today, the Kim code is to isolate and choose to not be part of the group. And while that is the pattern in divorce recovery, I am making improvements in other areas. School for example: I have a class with the crazy DTS professor and it is very small, 11 of us in total. There is only one other female besides me, and all of the students are "kids." Traditional, living in the dorm, college kids. But they love me, and I love them. Occasionally I bring them some homemade food, because the are growing boys. Last week, I brought everyone a Snickers bar. And they come to me with their problems. Girlfriend problems, dorm problems, room mate problems, and this fills a need for me. I get to nurture them a little, and they adore me. So I am friends with the whole class. They are begging me to come to the BSM on a Thursday night and watch them preach, teach, and play in their band. So I'll do that when divorce recovery ends -- it's on Thursdays. I'm sure I'll feel old and out of place, but I love my boys. And I initiated friendships... I let them in to see the real me... and the rewards have been amazing.

4. Who would be most embarrassed if they read your blog?

That is too easy. My mom and dad... they would not approve of public discussions of private matters. And that is okay, this blog is not for them. My new family blog will be appropriate for them... not this one, for sure!

5. Take the quiz: What kind of communicator are you?

You Communicate Passionately

You speak from the heart. You can't separate your feelings from what you're saying, even in a professional context.

You tend to speak dramatically, with lots of passion and emotion. It's easy for you to get swept up in what you're saying.

You like to connect with people early on so that you can personalize what you are saying to them.

When you converse, you try to find common ground and harmony. Even if you disagree with someone, you try to emphasize where you agree.

What Kind of Communicator Are You?

6. What do yo think the biggest change to your online writing has been this year?

That I am actually doing it, enjoying it, and keeping it updated. It is me... raw and uncensored.

The best way to make enemies.

2009-03-02T21:02:00.002-06:00

Today I did something regretful. Something very unbecoming of a lady. Something very unbecoming of anyone. I used words that I *don't* use. I told my therapist to f**k off. I want to take back the words -- but there are no take backs. So I am truly sorry. It was inappropriate, rude, immature and lacking in thought. And sorry really isn't good enough. I told my mother, and Bryan, just to let you know... I did get the Kimberly Dawn B. Yep, the full name. She was not pleased one little bit. And I think she would have tried to wash my mouth out with soap if I were in Plano. That didn't go over well, but I owned it. And she is rightfully disappointed, even though I am an adult. I would be mad at my kids too, even if they were 99. But at 99, really you have earned the right to just act crazy and tell everyone whatever pops in your head. I actually look forward to being old someday so I can act crazy. And people will think nothing of it -- Oh, there is that crazy lady. Yep, cannot wait.

I was tired and stressed -- not valid excuses by any means -- but I think I sort of snapped. It feels like the whole world is judging my situation -- but legally my hands are tied. I'm fighting the system. And it is irritating for everyone to tell me my kids are being hurt. *Like I don't get that* I am the one dealing with the emotional fall out. And it sucks more that anything I could possibly imagine. It's truly like watching your child be tortured. You can see them thinking how to respond and how to keep the peace. Kids do not have jobs. But suddenly they are taking them on. I am watching my divorce change who my kids are and who they will become. Trust me, the utter confusion and bewilderment and sadness is not easy to watch. I love my babies more than life itself. And I know the are acting out, but they are kids dealing with huge amounts of stress. That does not make them bad kids. It makes them like every other kid who cannot fathom their life changing so drastically. I heart my babies. And I am mama bear on crack... so don't mess with the cubs!

He tried to make small talk.

2009-03-02T10:20:00.002-06:00

Okay, my blog is just going to suck, because I'm blogging everything I'm doing to separate. I just went into the laundry room, and who should appear? So his laundry was in the wash *even though I specifically said I had peed on sheets to wash* Oh well, I just headed back to my room. Then he stopped me to ask how school was going.

I just flat out told him the Queen was not granting an audience today and walked out of the room. So the whole point of typing this is that I am not sweeping this under the rug!

I'm trying to fight this.

2009-03-02T08:28:00.003-06:00

It was a very long night. Charlotte wet her bed and my bed. Camille woke up crying twice. Gigi slept, but she takes sleeping medication at age 6! This is Kevin's week for custody. He said he will take care of them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and then he has to work. Well he was making some good zzzzz's last night while I took care of the kids. This morning Camille woke up crying saying she couldn't go to school. I told her I know how upset she is and how that can make us feel bad... tummy aches, head aches, etc. but she needed to go. Last week she missed four days, and on Friday I found out she was in the nurse's office all day crying. I found that out today, because she refused to go to school unless I took her and we talked with Melissa Brinker, the counselor. So I took her in and I talked to Melissa alone... she said move out, the kids are not functioning. I got Camille to class and hopefully she won't be in the nurse's office today.

When I got back from dropping her and Gigi off, Kevin asked how it went. Huh? Maybe he should have come along? But I'm done telling him what to do. So I told him we need to physically separate as soon as possible... as in yesterday. I told him I would still agree to move out but he needed to give me a price range. His answer: He has no idea. So basically he has no idea what our monthly income, expenses, etc. are? Then how is he even qualified to handle our expenses? Who does not know the average income for the month? I can tell you that there were a dozen lawn people at my house yesterday landscaping and mowing the winter rye. I can tell you the pool man was here on Friday. I can tell you we have a bijillion magazine subscriptions. I can tell you we have four cars. So it begs the question, do I have "Damn Fool" stamped on my forehead?

Oh, for the record, the first thing I did after dropping the kids off was leave a voice mail for my attorney. I told him about the police coming, school details, asked him if I could break the court order and move the kids to my parents, etc. I will post when he returns my call.

The wisdom of Solomon.

2009-03-02T03:19:00.002-06:00

Everyone came home and it was business as usual. No surprise... exactly as predicted. Kevin asked the kids if they wanted some oatmeal for dinner. *There is nothing wrong with oatmeal for dinner* I love oatmeal. But since the kids had not had dinner, I cooked dinner. *enabling... I'm calling myself on that one* So I baked chicken, made corn, cut up fresh fruit, set the table, etc. We all sat down, and I prayed as usual. Then I did the dishes. By then it was past bedtime for the kids and Kevin was in no hurry, so I helped with that.

But as soon as it was time for everyone to be tucked in, the waterworks started. All three girls were crying and hysterical. Gigi was talking about wanting to die. Camille was hyperventilating. And Kevin was off in his own world. I comforted, and held, and reassured, and prayed, and wiped away tears, and talked about fears and feelings. I did everything I knew to do. Camille could not get her breath and I was over numbered. So I went down the hall and knocked on Kevin's door. This is what I said: "We have nothing to discuss, but the kids are hurting. It would be helpful if you would come and reassure them that we both love them and they are not to blame." That was it; I walked off. So he did come to their rooms and talked. But I can tell you one thing... my heart was broken. It was unlike any physical or emotional pain I have ever endured. To watch my children suffer killed part of my soul. My babies are innocent precious human beings. They deserve a good life.

After I got them to bed, which was several hours late, I came down to my room and cried my heart out. Then I remembered something from the divorce parenting class we were ordered to go to. A judge said that if a divorce battle becomes too heated, the kindest thing a parent can do is just give in. It hit me... The wisdom of Solomon. I don't want my kids cut in half. I don't want them living a hellish life. I truly care about them in ways I can't describe. Maybe just giving in completely is the answer. If it saves my children heartbreak, I will do it. It will hurt me more to watch them suffer than it would to .... I can't even bring myself to type it. But I can't just keep watching the hurt. It is wrong on every level. A broken heart is one thing... a broken heart over watching your child's heart break is completely different.

I pray God will guide my path. Or even show me a path to start on. I am scared for the kids and for me. I've started sending out my resume. Sometimes I think I should just move to the condo in New Orleans, let him have custody, webcam everyday, fly home weekends, and transfer to Tulane. It is not what I want. But the most important thing right now is finding a way to provide the kids with stability and security. They don't have that. They can't comprehend or conceptualize any of this. It is all just the scary unknown to them... and to me. If I have to give up custody of my kids for them to have their sanity, emotional, and physical health, then that is what I have to do... and it kills me. I have my pregnancy diaries for each child. Kevin was always working, and I felt so lonely, so I would research every development stage. I journaled all of my hopes and dreams for them. I have a picture of a steamy shower door where I wrote out Camille's name when we finally decided it. Because of or in spite of my past, all I wanted to do was be a good mother. Now the three people I love with the most powerful, unconditional, agape love are suffering terribly. If I knew they would be physically and emotionally okay, I would walk away to end their suffering. Without a penny from Kevin. I would just go. I love them more than any material item or possession, and I certainly love them too much to watch them endure this level of hell. The wisdom of Solomon.

All hell has broken loose.

2009-03-01T18:43:00.003-06:00

Is this my life? I feel like I'm in a nightmare. This can't be my life... but I can't deny the fact anymore... it is. I am not a princess, and there will be no white knight in shining armor to whisk in and save the damsel in distress. Nope, not going to happen. The only one who can save me is myself. And as simple and easy as that sounds -- it scares the hell out of me! Yes, I have a lawyer, but I have to tell him how to proceed. It is up to me to make the call on how things are handled; the attorney is following my wishes. I have my therapist, and his advice and prodding are invaluable. But I still have to make the decisions. I have great friends, but they can only give me advice and strength to keep going. At the end of the day, what happens is up to one single person: me.

And maybe therein lies the problem. I don't trust myself. I don't make decisive decisions because I am always second guessing everything I do... right down to my nail polish color. (Bryan that was a lame attempt at humor directed at you.) But it is true *I over think everything.* And to add to the craziness, I have something in my head that tells me I either have to be perfect or I shouldn't even try. That pattern shows up in everything I do. And since perfection is nearly impossible, I guess I'm really just giving up on way too many things in life. Take school for example, if I don't get an A, I am indignant. I beat myself up, I beat the professor up, and I think to myself I just wasted time in a course. That is completely illogical when I see it in black and white. But that is what I do. With everything.

And now Kevin is coming home and I put a million dollar bet on the fact that he is going to act like nothing ever happened. He will act like the police were never here. It will be business as usual. And then I have to make a choice. Sweep things under the rug, pretend nothing happened, keep the boat from rocking, delude myself into thinking somehow everything will be just fine if I'm patient enough... these are how I cope, this is my code. But I can't choose that. And I would love to rationalize and justify why doing those things would somehow benefit the situation, the kids, myself, etc. The truth is doing that would be wrong. I can no longer justify letting this continue. I must be decisive and make choices. And I have to realize there are no perfect solutions because if it were really that simple, things would have been solved already. And I also have to understand that this marriage is dead. It is not over or ending, it is dead. No amount of CPR or heroic measures can save it. I am getting divorced. Instead of trying to figure out what I could have done differently, and if I can somehow make him realize this isn't the right thing to do, I just need to mourn the fact that my marriage is dead. There is no more "Kevin and Kimmy" and there is no more "Mommy and Daddy." There is Kevin and there is Kim. There is mom and there is Dad. But we are no longer one. And that makes me wonder if we ever really were one. Did either of us ever really leave and cleave? That is a question for the back burner.

But I feel like the house is burning down, and instead of putting out the fire, Kevin and I are both sitting around wondering what started the fire. Did I leave a candle burning? Did he screw up the wiring in the attic? The damn house is burning down and instead of dealing with solving the problem, i.e. calling the fire department, and getting out with our lives and our kids lives, we are sitting around discussing why the house is on fire. Action... we need action. And yes, I am responsible for taking action.

What I am about to write is going to sound like blaming... that is not my intent. My intent is to look at my history and figure out why I don't make decisions. All of my life I have had people tell me what to do. I have never just taken responsibility for big decisions in my life. I let my parents influence me and desperately crave their approval. In this marriage, I never asked questions. I didn't ask about finances because really I could have cared less as long as we were getting by. In a sense, I was a child in this relationship, and our 19 year age difference played right into that. I follow along and see my job as keeping the waters calm. And no one assigned me that job. That is all on me; I took on that role. Now I'm going to have to rock the boat. And there is no time to practice and figure out how to do it "perfectly." As nike would say "Just do it."

Thank you Scott!

2009-02-26T07:58:00.002-06:00

I guess there is no better way to say thank you than by saying thank you. So Scott, thank you. I stayed up all night studying. And you know what -- it made me happy. I'm earning my way to a better life for me and the girls. So when I read your comments, you made my heart cry. It was a happy cry, a sad cry, and a look at how far I've come cry! It was the best cry of all the many tears I've shed in weeks. You are awesome and I love you *platonically of course* but I do love you! Every day you inspire me to keep trying. And when I screw up and you tell me that I screw up, I love ya more! So this is my sappy, no sleep, must praise Scott blog. Everyone should get to bask in the awesomeness of Scott's uber cool feedback.

Mardi Gras.

2009-02-25T04:49:00.003-06:00

Pathetic. Here I am awake at 4:30 in the morning crying over my life that was. The past. The happy memories of a married life. Again, I refer back to my past self-diagnosis of RRD (Romantic Revisionist Disorder). But Mardi Gras was so romantic. It was our time. We never missed a Mardi Gras in all of our marriage. Even when it meant bringing along a babysitter for Charlotte because I was still breast feeding. We never missed one.

So I've done my best to ignore the festivities and keep the news off. But this was our time together; this was an event that defined our couplehood. Every winter elaborate plans were made to attend the balls. It was the one time of year Kevin could care less how much the perfect dress cost, not to mention the perfect shoes. We gleefully planned for nights of parties in a row. Dom Perignon flowed and decadence was standard. Invitations to coveted parties by Bacchus and Rex were obtained.

Mardi Gras is so old school. Everything must be done properly and with etiquette. If a man wished to have the honor of a dance with you, he had to mail a May I have a dance request at least a month in advance. Then, at the ball, you are called out for the said dance. And in a dying ode to chivalry, the male must present you with a ridiculously expensive bauble for granting his dance request. Yes, those were happy times.

And now, I can just imagine our condo, sitting alone on Bourbon Street wondering where on earth the revilers went. Here we are in our own man-made hell. There will be no balls and no dancing. Dom Perignon is replaced with coffee as I study. And alas, I am no longer the belle of the ball. My glass slipper has been crushed into a million tiny pieces, right along with my dreams.

Well, at least there is no question about what I'm giving up for Lent this year -- my husband.

Entitlement.

2009-02-20T16:34:00.002-06:00

I was asked what I feel entitled to. At first, the question caught me off guard, in a *hmm* sort of way. Certainly I can look at the past with more ease than the present. So I rattled off all kinds of privileges and social situations to which I felt entitled. But it wasn't a question that I left in therapy. Nope, it was one of those questions that follows you around like a piece of gum stuck to your shoe -- impossible to ignore, gooey, and it wouldn't scrape off easily.

For awhile, I did let it leave my mind. But then as I sat in my car after dropping the girls off at school, it was like putting on the gummy shoes. There it was. Okay, let me chip away at the dried remnants of gum. I sat in my car and tears streamed down my face. *ouch* Who knew this was such a probative question (other than the genius who asked it)? Suddenly I felt shame. I am entitled to nothing. Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. What do I have a right to demand?

It shifted my entire of way of thinking. Even if only a nudge -- the axis of my mind moved. And all at once, I knew that for my entire life, I have gone around feeling entitled to my feelings. I have built a fortress around my heart. Rarely does anyone get a glimpse of the true me. What a dishonor to God that is. I have gone around for years using my defenses, humor, sarcasm, or just plain bitchiness to put people off. God spoke to my heart today. I still haven't scraped all the gum off the shoe. But now I'm determined to.

Absolute Panic.

2009-02-18T09:59:00.002-06:00

I am going to meet my brother. Every cell in my body wanted to cancel. My mind was racing... if only I had the superpower of making someone invisible then I could bring someone with me. Someone to tell me what to say next if I freeze up. Someone to cry with if things go terribly wrong. I do have God. I will let God hold me in the palm of His hand.

But I still feel anxious, scared, terrified, angry, nervous, excited, and probably every other emotion under the sun. I have to go now... wish me luck.

Accountability.

2009-02-17T17:27:00.001-06:00

I still have the scalpel. I know I promised to throw it away. Right now it is comforting just to have near me. I know I need to ditch it. But I'm owning up to still having it.

Make it stop.

2009-02-14T12:26:00.003-06:00

God please stop the tears. I want to get rid of this feeling. Let me off the ride!

I am editing this at a later date. For the record, this ride is one that torments me in my dreams. Yes, the giant swing ride has brought more nightmares in my strange house of horrors dream. Just thought I'd clear that up. Yes, it is nonsensical, but it haunts me for no particular reason.

I am calling my rapist to help my brother.

2009-02-14T02:08:00.003-06:00

I can't take this. I cannot watch my brother crash and burn. I cannot deal with the guilt over my parents wanting me to help them deal with this. Tomorrow I will call my rapist. I will listen to his voice and plead with him to help my brother. I'm afraid that eventually my brother will become suicidal and he will not ask for help. I have nephews and a sister in law to think of. This is what everyone needs me to do -- I will suck it up and do it. His phone number is sitting in my inbox. Nothing has helped me cope. I don't know when I have cried so much. It has to be done, and I will do it.

I wonder what it will be like to talk with him? I wonder what his voice will sound like over the phone? That's okay, I'm used to it in my nightmares.

Words of empathy and kindness.

2009-02-13T18:27:00.002-06:00

Something a friend said that I need to hear and remind myself of:

That's because I have an extemely high opinion of you as:

A- A woman.

B- A Christian.

C- A mother.

Thanks friend!

A prayer.

2009-02-13T14:19:00.003-06:00

Gracious God,

I so easily fall prey to patterns of behavior that separate me from you and others. I want to do the right thing, the good thing, the loving thing, but temptation stalks the rim of my life like a prowling animal. Before I know it, I've fallen into its grasp and begun the downward spiral into what is less than a full life. Help me, Lord, to see when temptation is trying to cleverly captivate me. Give me the strength and fortitude to make choices for emotional health and spiritual wholeness. Keep me faithful in my love for You and faithful to the wonder of being given the gift of life.

I ask this in Jesus Christ's name,

Amen.

Kim has reattached her head to her shoulders.

2009-02-13T13:59:00.003-06:00

I am deeply moved and incredibly grateful for the help I have been gifted with during this compulsive episode. What needed to be said was said. Not only that, it was done in a tender, kindhearted way. Gratitude isn't a strong enough word.

When others are able to relate, share, and prod when necessary, it builds up the human character. The awesomeness of this is not lost on me. I hope someday I can help someone the way I have been helped. Never underestimate the generosity of the human spirit.

Here is a quote I like:

"Gratitude is something that none of us can give too much. For on the smiles, the thanks we give, our little gestures of appreciation, our neighbors build up their philosophy of life."

- A.J. Cronin

My life is in the process of undergoing major renovation. Even the foundation needs repairing. For those sharing in my journey -- thank you for helping build a better, more loving person.

Okay Bryan, I have a question for you.

2009-02-12T04:09:00.003-06:00

Bryan, here is my question. Scott you can respond too. How many people do you know that are adults and go years without sex? I don't know... any. Really, I don't know any celibate adults. Maybe celibate adults are an urban legend. I'm beginning to think that.

And furthermore, a man can still have "release." Bryan, you told me before that if a man goes without sex or masturbation (sorry to be graphic) he will have a "wet dream." So technically, he still gets a release. Women are not so lucky.

Thank goodness Kevin is at work.

2009-02-12T03:51:00.003-06:00

Here is how desperate I am: I think if Kevin was home, instead of at work, I would have sex with him. Pathetic, lame, and self-destructive -- yes! But I really want him. There are certain really hot qualities he has that I am craving. All of the hell he has produced should give me every reason in the world to stay away from him. Yet I feel like a moth being lured to the flame.

Okay Bryan, you can call me woman -- maybe I just need a good dose of reality. Good thing I'll see you tomorrow. I'm sure you'll have lots to say.

I could actually say it all for you. What the %$(^)& are you thinking? Do you realize the long term impact this will have? Oh.. and we can't leave this out -- What about the girls? (Let me go ahead and answer that for you: I'm talking about something the girls will never know about.) If Kevin finds out, don't you realize this gives him ammunition? Don't you realize you are wanting to do the same thing you are complaining about Kevin doing? Don't you realize you are married. *So yes, I understand the impact* But it does not magically make my cravings disappear. And NO, I have not acted on any of this. I'm venting.

I miss sex.

2009-02-12T03:00:00.003-06:00

I've been laying in my bed debating whether or not to blog about this for a good two hours. So here goes: I miss sex. Not only do I miss it, I crave it. I feel like I need it. How scary is that, I need sex. To feel close to someone, to hold someone, to make love to someone -- that is what I need.

What is worse -- I miss sex with my husband. To know him so intimately makes me miss him even more. If I could have sex without him knowing we had sex, I would totally take advantage of that. It's horrible to say, I know. But I miss him. Which in turn makes me more resentful, because somebody else is getting to have sex with him. What happened to the days when I could have as much sex as I wanted with him. What happened to sex anytime, anyplace? Yes, I know -- unhealthy boundaries -- but I miss having wild sex in random places.

Tonight I was so tempted to call pilot Kevin. I did not do it. Or even Kevin 3. That is the problem. The girls keep me in line so to speak. I would never let them know I was having sex. But I know that both of my other Kevins would keep the secret. Completely anonymous really good sex. A few glasses of wine, some really interesting discussions about things that I find fascinating (literature or force equals mass times acceleration), and then hot sex. Really hot sex that no one in this world would know about. Except God and my conscious. That would be a problem.

So I can stick this out for now. But just like this divorce, I wish the universe could give me an exact date -- that I could live with. It is the not knowing when I can have my needs met that sucks. It sucks.

I don't feel any better after blogging this time. I need sex. The thought of it is taking over my mind. Tomorrow I'm supposed to teach class. You know what, I haven't even read the book I'm teaching on. I did see the video, so I can improvise. But that is slacking, big time. Not only that, I'm supposed to hand out a study guide. I haven't even started that. Because my mind is stuck on sex. Good sex -- hot sex. And it is really hard to get my mind off of it. I wish I could. This is where my mind justifies having sex, because then I could just do it and not think about it. But I know that is not a good plan. I am psychologically capable of making good choices, but I just wish the choices didn't suck.

Here is to the suckiness of celibacy. Especially when I am married and should be having sex with my husband. And for all of my whining about him just wanting sex (by that I mean sex and not intimate love making), I could use some pure sex. Well, this doesn't seem to be helping, so I'll work on my presentation. After all, it is 3 in the morning and I have to be up at 5. Another sleepless night? I suppose.

The conversations become more bizarre.

2009-02-11T16:36:00.002-06:00

I should not have even had this conversation. Hindsight is 20/20. And the conversation started out innocently -- someone has stolen my identity. :( I started getting packages at our PO Box that I never ordered. So I pulled the credit card statement -- actually I told Kevin he needed to look at it. Sure enough, there were tons of charges that I didn't make. So now I have no credit card -- but that is another story. Although not having a single credit card does not make me happy. But happiness is completely overrated at this point in my life. See there I go on a tangent.

But that is how the discussion on money came up. So then Kevin told me that I haven't used all of my gift certificates from the medical spa he gave me. *Why does he need to bring this up?* So to make a long story short, he wants to know why I haven't done the full Brazilian hair removal thing. Um, that would be none of his business. And I've had this conversation with him a million times -- anything permanent is not going to happen. Not to mention the fact that he is the medical director there. Also, who knows how many people he has "dated" that work there. All I could say is, "May I have a cash refund please?"

Why does he want to know about my genitalia? Really, shouldn't that be the furthest thing from his mind? How do you draw that boundary? "Please do not discuss my personal business?" How do I tell him to take his control issues and direct them to another person, who might actually care what he things about the appearance of their private parts?

Not only that, but he wouldn't know what I look like without clothes. He is crazy!

He does not even try to hide it.

2009-02-10T10:16:00.002-06:00

Kevin went out with Mike last night after work. What am I supposed to say to that? According to his "new" definition of sex, they probably didn't have sex. According to his old definition they probably did. Or, as Mike enjoys doing, they might have hired prostitutes. Hmm.... I wonder if he is going to bill me for his prostitutes too? He came home after 3 this morning. I guess I shouldn't care, but I do.

Bryan, I suggested to my dad that he ask Chris to help him with the sails. I told him I couldn't commit to that much time because I was going out with the girls to the Valentine's party on Saturday night. Which wasn't really drawing a boundary, because I made an excuse. But it worked. I didn't even realize that until I typed it. Oh well, I'm sure more opportunities will come along.

I feel like a terrible mother.

2009-02-09T08:18:00.002-06:00

I feel awful. But here is what happened: Kevin did not show up with the kids until after 9 last night. That had not had dinner or baths. We skipped baths, and fed them dinner. So by the time they went to bed, it was after 9:30. *exasperated sigh* I just told him that the girls cannot be late for school, therefore they must go to bed on time. Since he decided to pull this little stunt with me, I let him deal with it.

I got the girls up this morning. And, like I could've told you last week, last month, or last year, Genevieve needs her sleep. She would not wake up. She was crying and wouldn't get out of bed. Camille was nervous about being late. So I went down and told Kevin that he didn't have them home on time, so he could deal with the consequences. I took Camille to school, and Charlotte rode with me. I left him here with Genevieve. He was supposed to be at work at 8. Oh well, he is going to be more than an hour late. But he needs to take responsibility. If his parents can't get the girls home on time, I guess they shouldn't be going over there.

Except I feel terrible. Ah hah... You know what just popped in my mind -- your voice Bryan. If I feel guilty then I'm drawing a good boundary. But I still feel bad. Is that a good boundary?

I need to get myself together.

2009-02-08T18:34:00.002-06:00

I have a paper due by midnight that I haven't even started. *yikes* And two discussion board topics that I haven't started. All I can think about is the kids. I miss the girls and desperately want out of this marriage. Today it just feels like more than my soul can bear. Kevin is supposed to have the kids home by seven. I wish I could just count the minutes, but that would be futile. He won't have them home on time. To think otherwise would be foolish. But here I sit, the princess of procrastination.

So I put my blog on procrastinate... And here I still sit... It is now 7:42. Where are they? I don't know because he isn't answering his cell phone. *sigh* We went over bedtimes. He is supposed to make this happen. And we haven't even made it past day one. I am scheduling him his own parent teacher conference. Did he hear a word I said to him... Maybe he was too busy ranting about other peoples lack of morals.

So this is my boundary... how to enforce it?

2009-02-08T15:09:00.003-06:00

Kevin is delusional. Really there is no other reasonable explanation for what he is doing. He has deluded himself that he is somehow taking a moral high ground when in fact, he has done nothing but leave a wake of destruction from his choices.

The Freudian slip of text messages is case in point. We do have the temporary orders, signed by the judge, stating neither of us would expose our kids to significant others during the divorce. His own lawyer stressed the importance of this. Yet now he is having his parents drop the girls off at where? The hospital! Where yes, he is dating. My job is to protect my children. The last thing they need to see right now is his revolving door of "dates." And just for the record Bryan, I'm not mad at his "date." I don't understand why anyone would want to date a married man, even if he is getting a divorce. I'm mad at him. I took vows with him. I had children with him. So why I don't understand the appeal of a married man, just like I don't understand women who marry serial killers, I'm not upset with the date. However, I do not want to expose my children to this person and the long list of others whose text messages I didn't intercept. Period. That is it. To me it is not up to interpretation or debate. It is morally wrong, and no one will convince me otherwise.

Okay, let me just start a new paragraph -- the last one turned into a rant. I see that clearly. I do not want the girls being exposed to his "dates." Therefore, he doesn't need to have the kids at the hospital if that is his dating pool. Therefore, his parents need to meet him somewhere else. So he started back pedaling. It wasn't really a date -- that is his new justification. He said it was a date. I have one of the text messages. I read them. I confronted him. It was a date then. But he just wants to keep redefining words which is well, annoying and exasperating. Oh my gosh, you know what *stop the press* I think I didn't tell you what he did, and why his parents have the kids.

I had class this weekend, so my parents cancelled their vacation plans to watch the kids. They were not huge plans -- just a friends birthday in Houston. But still, my parents cancelled their plane tickets and everything. He had the kids last weekend. This is my weekend. So he tells my mother and me, on Thursday, while the girls were standing right there, that he had arranged for his parents to take the kids for the weekend. My mom and I just looked at each other. What the heck are we supposed to say with Camille, Gigi, and Charlotte standing right there? So he tells not asks my mom to pick up the kids Friday evening, so I could go to class. Then he planned on picking the kids up from my parents house to meet his parents with the kids. I had to let it go. I can't fight with him in front of the kids. So once the kids were gone I told him to never put me or my parents in that position again. He does not get to randomly make last minute plans, and expect everyone else to give in to his demands. And all in front of the kids? He knows I will not argue in front of the kids, so he used them. *cringe*

So anyway, I go to confront him and he starts in about what a terrible mother I am because I'm taking a weekend class. How if I really loved the kids, I would spend time with them. Then he told me that as long as I was taking a weekend course, he would take the kids to his parents house every other weekend. Guess what class I am dropping. Yep, I'm caving to emotional blackmail. But if it comes down to his parents, I'm just not willing to subject my kids to their depravity. That is the bottom line. I cannot do it. So this weekend they ended up with his parents. And that is how the entire situation began.

And it has turned into a situation in every sense of the word. My parents are furious. While this is annoying, I understand their frustration. I mean the four girls they love most in this world are getting the shaft. And three of those girls are grandchildren. So why I understand their frustration, they need to redirect it towards him. I cannot change him. He is always going to be clueless about communication. If my dad tells me to learn to communicate better with Kevin one more time.... Seriously, I live the frustration every day. But anyway, it is not an incident, it has turned into a situation.

My dad told me I needed to be at their house for supper last night. So I called my mom and she tried to be all sweet saying A would be there, and we were all going to a movie after dinner. Ugh... I went. I felt like I had to -- they had cancelled their plans. But thank goodness A was there or I never would have heard the end of it. So next weekend my mom and I were going to take the girls to see the play "Pippy Longstockings." I could tell my dad felt like he didn't have my undivided attention. He gets that military look on his face that just screams, "I am the captain of this ship." So I just told him: "Dad I understand your frustration." But I can just tell, this is getting me nowhere fast. He is tired of the drama. He then told me that next weekend he needs my help. Could I help him. What am I going to say to that? Sure dad. He wants me to go sailing with him and them help him take the sheets down. Ugh. This involves a 2 hour car trip to the lake and back. Plus he really gets to be captain -- and I really don't feel like taking orders right now. I don't want to work the lines *it is winter.* So the boat has not been out in a couple of months. That means spiders in the sheets. Ugh. I don't want to sail and I don't want a lecture. But apparently this "situation" is great lecture material. So I'll be getting a lecture, that I don't care to hear, next weekend.

You know what, I'm not even sure where this blog is headed. I can't seem to stay on topic.

Boundaries. I don't want the girls at the hospital. He agreed to not expose them to his dates. Now he is redefining what date means, what sex means, etc. And he justifies his behavior. Now, his definition of sex is actual "intercourse." Oral sex is not sex -- unless you are talking about Bill Clinton, and then it mysteriously counts. And really, I don't want to hear this. I don't care about his definition of sex -- that is between him and his escapades. All I care about is not getting the girls further entangled into this mess of a relationship. So he needs to have his parents meet him somewhere else besides the hospital. But you know what, he can't. Because he would have to tell his parents he is dating, and he has to keep up his "perfect parent" facade. So how do I draw this boundary. Methinks the lawyer will have to handle it. I can ask him not to do something, but it carries little weight and just starts a fight.

I guess I will email David and tell him about my parent teacher conference and Kevin's escapades. And Bryan, I guess we can talk about how to handle my dad. Those will be my answers to this incredibly confusing blog. Even I can't follow it, and I wrote it. Lack of sleep I suppose.

And in one last stroke of incredible hypocrisy this morning, Kevin questioned the morals of some people. Seriously, I had to laugh out loud. He went off on a tangent about morals. He was so righteous in his tone and inflection. I had to laugh. Oh, and this way supposed to be Scout Sunday -- you know, what got me all worked up about boundaries in the first place. Camille and Gigi were supposed to participate in Girl Scout Sunday at church this weekend. We were supposed to be there. But conveniently, Kevin's parents have the kids and he in now working? Funny how his schedule changes on a whim. But watch out, he is the moral police. *scary*

I have a date for Valentine's Day!

2009-02-07T23:33:00.002-06:00

Actually, I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day. It is such a Hallmark Holiday. I much prefer the giving of notes, cards, flowers or chocolate on a random day. Since I am a fresh flower person, I take note of how much they jack up the price of flowers in February. When we first married, Kevin and I would write each other ridiculously long love letters. *sigh* I just figured after kids he was too busy. Anyway, like I said it is a made up holiday for marketing purposes. Poor Saint Valentine, if he only knew he was a marketing whore -- yep, I just wrote the word whore. Wow.

Anyway, speaking of whores (only kidding), I have a date for Valentine's Day. But relax, it is with the mommies from my Divorce Recovery class. So my kids will have a playdate with other kids of divorcing parents (part of my homework from Camille's therapist), and we will have a fun evening. Isn't that sweet?

Random Quote...from I don't know who.

2009-02-07T23:19:00.002-06:00

Your biggest challenge isn't someone else. It's the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs, and the little voice inside you yells, "can't!" But you don't listen; you just push harder and then you hear the voice whisper "can" and you realize the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.

Huh. I found this random quote on the Internet. At first it reminded me of childbirth. Then I thought what a great metaphor for life. Childbirth that is. Sometimes you have to just keep pushing -- and push through the pain. Maybe only women will understand pushing through the pain. But when you are having a baby that is the only way to have one, just keep pushing through the pain. It hurts like hell, but then your entire world changes for the better. It's just right now, I feel like I'm giving birth to like a 15 pounder. I'm just saying...

An ode to my own Greek tragedy.

2009-02-06T06:20:00.005-06:00

Well, maybe it wasn't that dramatic. But here is what happened.

Kim is sitting in the library minding her own business and studying.

Enter Kevin stage left.

Kevin sits next to Kim. He hands her a piece of paper.

Kim looks down *sigh* there it is in black and white, an offer. Kim reads it.

Kim's brain: Are you freaking kidding me? Give me the financial information, not your own calculations, that are not backed up by facts.

Kim's heart: Are you freaking kidding me? He has subtracted half of my hopes and dreams, and then charged me for them. There it is in writing, he is charging me for Ms. Imaginary Nanny.

Kim's brain: This is where you are supposed to sever emotional ties. Tell him that is interesting, get it to the lawyers.

Kim's heart: How can he possibly think so little of me? We had three children together and had our lives planned out together. Why, why, why? Why can't he love me?

Kevin's mouth: Don't cry Kimmy -- I will always care about you.

Kim's brain: Dude, you don't know how to care about me. You are not capable of the love I deserve. Oh and by the way parent is a verb, not a noun.

Kim's heart: Oh crap, here come the tears. They have to spill. He handed me a piece of paper with my life broken down to ridiculously small numbers. Why, why, why. Why does he think so little of me.

Kevin scoops Kim up and tells her she will be fine.

Kim's body: Oh no, he did not just touch me! He did not scoop me up. He did not. And there he goes, calling me Kimmy. He does not get to do that.

Kim's mouth: I will not be fine. I will be fantastic!

Kim exits stage right. Time to break from the play. But at least she opened her mouth.

What the heck just happened?

2009-02-05T23:17:00.003-06:00

My good mood has slowly wound down. Yep, maybe it was the coffee that made me so perky earlier. Or it could be that I actually had a *taste* of freedom. Either way, I don't know what to do. Kevin is agreeable to my suggestion, but then I think I am giving up way too much. If I move out, he will have primary custody of the girls. He is too busy going out, doing who knows what. It was all okay until he mentioned the *n* word again. That is right -- our imaginary nanny. Apparently, this is who he wants to raise the girls. And if I agreed to a 4/3 schedule, he still wants weekends, or at least some weekends. Heck, he doesn't know what he wants. He just wants to win.

I went to Divorce Recovery, and no one was there. Just me. So I went to a computer in the office, and there was an email. Class was cancelled because of a flu outbreak. So the next thing I know, Z sees me and says, "Come to Celebrate Recovery instead." Ummm...sure, okay. The next thing I know I'm sitting next to an hysterical woman balling her eyes out because her son was dropped off from college by friends, and he was blind in one eye, had Hep C, and maybe myocarditis from shooting up. *So all I did was pass a tissue* That seems like the polite thing to do. But no, I was reprimanded. Passing tissue is considered "cross-talking" and if she wants a tissue she needs to get it herself, and I was enabling her and if she wants to sob then I'm supposed to let her sob.... geez these 12 step people are *uptight.* Seriously. The topic was making amends. So they come to this poor mother and ask her how she can make amends in her life. *seriously?* They insist everyone has issues. I'm not disagreeing, but this was just too bizarre for words. The poor woman was beside herself.

Then there was the mother and daughter who shot each other up with heroin. *seriously* They ship these people in with chemical dependency and then have emotional issues people all mixed together. I suppose this could somehow work, but it just wasn't. Oh, and you are not allowed to speak to the male gender folk, unless it is to say, "Hi fill in your name here." I have just as many issues as these people, but I'm just wondering, what the heck just happened. I feel like I had a brief stint at the psych hospital. *no touching, no hugging, no last names, no passing tissue, no "enabling", no .....*

Back on Track.

2009-02-04T16:56:00.002-06:00

Okay, I can breathe again. Today I had my monthly meeting with Todd, and I feel so much better. His advice: I can't move the mountain, so instead I have to take the long road around it. He said to let the scar tissue build up so I don't react to Kevin. He told me to sever emotional ties and not to invest energy into him any longer. *again, something that is easy to understand intellectually* However, I'm beginning to understand *yes I'm stubborn* that this is not going to work out exactly as I had planned. But the good news is that God has bigger plans for me. Todd told me to try and create a home within a home to set some boundaries. Then just not let Kevin get a rise out of me. He is lost: he is going to cheat, he is going to hide financial information, and he is going to play mind games. My focus: God, the girls, and me. That's all I have to do for now. Oh, and he said if he ever sees me holding hands with Kevin in church.... well I won't say what he said, since he is a pastor and all.

Oh, and here is another nugget of wisdom he gave me: he knows of another nasty divorce that Kevin's lawyer was involved in -- the same tactics were used. So I guess it's all part of the "game."

Emotional Misery.

2009-02-04T04:21:00.002-06:00

It is so hard and so trying right now. If only I could give up. I am tired. The streams of passionate grief pour down my face. I must keep going. It is all too much. I want to run, but there is no where to hide. God please.... I don't even know what to pray for. I'm just too tired. How can my heart continue to break? Will it ever heal? Is Kevin right, should I just give up?

Hypothetically speaking...

2009-02-03T02:40:00.002-06:00

Hypothetically I cannot go to sleep. My mind is obsessed with object A. I'm grumpy -- I admit it.

World are you there?

Can you cooperate with me tomorrow?

Thanks,

Kim

Hypothetically speaking...

2009-02-02T21:44:00.002-06:00

Hypothetically speaking, if there was something you had a strong aversion to, would you avoid that thing, or immerse yourself with it? This could be a useful household object, but you could certainly live without it. Is it okay to live without something because it reminds you of something else?

Say you have anxiety over object A, and A could be replaced with B, C, or D. Do you think you should learn to like A? Or is it best to avoid A?

Say, hypothetically that object A is very common, and you actually avoid an aisle in a grocery store so you don't have to look at said object. Is that really a problem? What if A is touching something else, and then that object feels tainted? Is avoidance okay?

Please, please, please someone respond!

New way to deal with anger.

2009-02-02T10:11:00.002-06:00

The March 2nd date made me angry, so Charlotte and I jumped on the trampoline in our pajamas. It was so much fun! She is little, so I could actually jump with her. When I get on the trampoline with all 3 girls it is too crowded. This morning was perfect. Hopefully the neighbors don't think I've lost my mind. But I feel better! Now I just need coffee, and I'm all set!

March 2nd is the "new" discovery date.

2009-02-02T09:30:00.002-06:00

I just got a call from my attorney -- Kevin doesn't have to turn in financial discovery until March 2. *sigh* That is a month away. Then his attorney will have to go through it. Then my attorney will have to go through it. And then..... mediation? Hopefully! But we are looking at April or May for a mediation date. Ugh. I can do this I suppose.

Wants and Needs.

2009-02-02T03:52:00.002-06:00

All I have to do is have a living room filled with neighborhood kids and my own angels to hear, "I want, I want, I want." It is the universal language of all kids growing up in a culture inundated with advertising. While going through this divorce, I realize I have reverted back to "I want." The only difference these days is that I tend to use the word need rather than want. Why is it when we get older we attach a sense of entitlement to things that are really just extravagant luxuries? When I wrote down what I wanted, it was abundantly clear that most of them were things I didn't actually need. They were still just things I wanted. What I actually need is to suck it up and realize I can't always get what I want. That is where I am in the moment: discerning my wants and my actual needs.

Paranoid.

2009-02-02T02:12:00.003-06:00

I can't sleep because Kevin is hanging out in the office downstairs. It is right next to my room, and it is driving me crazy. Yes, I have reached that point. The point where I can't sleep if he's not gone or upstairs. It is just too creepy. He says all three of his computers won't work upstairs. Even his brand spankin' new one he got for Christmas. I offered to look at them -- but he declined. So instead he is hanging out next to my bedroom at 2:15 in the morning. This is ridiculous. I thought about asking him to go upstairs, but I can't start "calling" rooms.

My Goodbye Letter (An Ongoing Draft)

2009-02-02T01:05:00.002-06:00

Dear Kevin,

Even though it will probably only take you a few minutes to read this, if you read it at all, it took me a long time to write it. It also took a lot of courage to speak my mind and my heart. I hope you don't see this as an attack on you, it's not. Forgive me for my anger, it's necessary. I'm not trying to hurt you in any way. I know you've been hurt deeply already. I can't undo that, but I'm truly sorry. I've been hurt too, and I'm doing my best to forgive. I don't hold you responsible for my pain.

This is a letter to you, but not for you, it's for me. It's just part of the work that I needed to do, so that I can move-on with my life. Good-bye.

Good-bye to all of the happily ever afters that I thought would come true.

Good-bye to the dreams we built together.

Good-bye to our children having the security of one home.

Good-bye to a marriage that was destined to fail, even before it began.

Good-bye to holding your hand in church and feeling like a couple.

Good-bye allowing you to control me. I am capable of doing things on my own!

Good-bye trying to make you happy, even when your standards were impossible.

Good-bye to your selfish decisions.

Good-bye fear of what you would do next.

Good-bye pouring my heart out to you and feeling like you just didn't care.

Good-bye fear of failing, hello to being human.

Good-bye feeling worthless, no matter what I did.

Good-bye threats -- who cares ?!?!

Good-bye to your anger towards me, whether or not I had it coming.

Good-bye to your lust for the almighty dollar.

Good-bye to your mom, and just for the future, cut the umbilical cord and give up the trust.

Good-bye to being controlled by money!

Good-bye to hearing the kids say "Mommy and Daddy" all in one sentence.

Good-bye to the chance to put the girls to bed every night.

Good-bye to normal holidays and hello to shuffling innocent kids.

Good-bye to all the happy New Orleans memories; I never want to go back. Keep the condo.

Good-bye to raising a family together.

Good-bye to to sticking together through thick and thin.

Good-bye to being married once and having it work out.

Good-bye to being a stay at home mommy.

Good-bye to feeling like exchangeable arm candy.

Good-bye to never being quite good enough.

Good-bye to your righteousness.

Good-bye to your lack of empathy.

Good-bye to all the tears I have cried for you.

Good-bye glimmer of hope that someday "things would just workout."

*As it says in the title, this is an ongoing letter. The next time I add to the letter, I will add in italics, so if you are following, you won't have to start over. I'm crying so much I can't see the screen.*

My Kids are Amazing!

2009-02-01T19:20:00.003-06:00

We just finished our Valentine's Day cards for the Scottish Rite Hospital. We had some store bought cards, and then we made some on our own. But I am so *proud* of the girls! They took their time to sign each card and write Isaiah 41:10 on them. Then Camille offered to pray for the cards, and she did an awesome job! Gigi wrote God Bless You on each one, and Charlotte signed her own name. Then Gigi said, "This is cool mom, it's like a get well card, Valentine card, and sending God's love all at once." :) These moments make every difficult day worthwhile. I love my bebes.

He is still not home.

2009-02-01T04:23:00.002-06:00

I hope for the sake of the babies, Kevin will be home before they awake. Tomorrow I have to be a church an hour before him and the younger two girls. Camille will go with me. So he better be here to take responsibility.

Other than that, I'm releasing my stress into the universe. God has a path for me. God has promised me a life filled with joy, passion, and agape love. All I have to do is not allow myself to become wrapped in stress. Yes, troubles will always find each of us -- we are human. But I am thankful I can turn those over to God. My prayer is to develop within myself the calm and peace that can only be found through the almighty love of Jesus Christ. I don't want to survive; I don't want to just live; I want to thrive! God will show me the way!

My new blog feature...Patrick's Saturday Six.

2009-02-01T01:33:00.004-06:00

Okay, here is another recommendation for my blog. Thanks Emme. Patrick's Saturday Six is random questions, from Patrick of course, to make you think. Without further ado here goes:

1. What is more important to you: your relationship with yourself or your relationship with those who are close to you?

Okay, this is already confusing. What a loaded question. I mostly care about my relationships with those close to me. I like rejoicing with others, and sharing in tumultuous times with others. That being said, if I can't look myself in the mirror every morning, and know that I'll be okay, I'm in no position to have good relationships with others. I say the perfect balance and equilibrium is when I have my relationship right with God; then everything else falls into place.

2. Which of the above do you tend to have the least trouble cultivating?

Simple -- myself. I am always harder on myself than my friends or family are.

3. Something goes wrong in your life. Of the people you are more likely to turn to, are they the same gender as you or opposite?

Generally speaking, the opposite sex. My exception is Lily -- she tells me the honest and brutal truth, even if I get mad at her. I know I'm stereotyping, but I think guys don't get so caught up in the *drama.* They tend to give you advice and let you take it or leave it. I respect that.

4. Something goes wrong in a close friend's life, and you are the person that friend chooses to call first. Is that person the same gender as you, or the opposite.

Another loaded question. I would say mostly same gender, because girls can beat a dead horse ad nauseaum. We can go over each point, look for pitfalls, build each other up, laugh, and cry all in about ten minutes. That and my strict girlfriend policy that I never let anyone cry alone -- yep, if a girlfriend cries, I do too.

5. Take quiz, "What make you a good friend."

I still can't cut and paste into my blog. Scott, when you finish invoices I need help. I really think it is an application Mac issue.

But my answer was: I am a good friend because I am accepting. No matter what a friend says or does, you try to accept it. And your friends feel like they can tell you anything.

You know that friendship is a journey with lots of ups and downs. If you and a friend grow apart, you get over it quickly... and leave the potential for future friendship open.

You tend to have many friends from many walks of life. Anyone you meet could become a friend. In fact you are completely interested in people who are a little different from you. Seeing life from a different perspective is something you cherish.

Your friends need you the most when: They can't turn to anyone else with their secrets.

My friendship quote is: Love is blind, but friendship closes it eyes.

6. What single trait from the number 5 would your friends most agree with?

If I have a falling out with a friend, I get over it quickly. I also cherish different perspectives.

Now I know why I don't do anger.

2009-01-31T23:33:00.003-06:00

I am really uncomfortable feeling anger. When I feel anger, it makes me feel guilty for feeling angry. My anger towards Kevin turns into me feeling guilty for harboring anger. Now I'm angry and full of guilt. I digress...time for bed.

Now I'm just ranting!

2009-01-31T23:06:00.002-06:00

If you can't rant on your own blog, then where else can you? He is pathetic human garbage. Kevin sucks. And I suck for even saying that about the father of my children and a child of God. My redundancy is redundant, but I'm angry! If he wants to screw the entire world -- have at it! But move out and do it when the kids are not around. Just a thought! But seriously, he can go pitch a tent somewhere if he needs sex so bad that he has to have it. Move out! He made this choice, not me, so he can MOVE OUT! But no, he is way too selfish for that. Hence the fact we pay for Ms. Imaginary Nanny! Her salary (I have an imaginary nanny with a salary that is more than I spend a month) is crazy! See, I'm not crazy -- he is!

When did Kim become a Kim that allows men to treat her this way. Oh yeah, wait....that Kim. I am not that Kim. I am a Kim with standards, and with children. He can take his lack of standards and lack of ethics and lack of any semblance of reason and MOVE OUT!

I know court is not my friend. This isn't my friend either. He is using me, and I'm letting him! Yes, I know he says we have no money. But he has a trust fund, of that I am certain. Even if he doesn't produce a single financial document, I know for a fact he has the trust fund! And he can afford dating and his imaginary nanny. So guess what -- he can afford to MOVE OUT! He can borrow from the trust fund and MOVE OUT! I'm tired of his excuses. Sheesh, he is a fool. And I'm a fool for living like this. Okay let's just throw out all of his excuses: He wants the girls to live in this school district and a judge has ordered that. There are no apartments in Southlake, because such nonsense is not homogenized enough. To buy another house in SL would be too expensive. The girls have friends here. Ugh....why bother with the excuses I would end up writing all night! We are a ship without a captain.

Here I am blogging and he is out getting some! Who is the fool?

I feel the ANGER finally!

2009-01-31T22:44:00.003-06:00

Okay, I feel the anger. It is a confusing emotion for me, and therefore I cannot adequately describe it. So this is just going to be completely stream of conscious writing. Nothing to in depth. But I am angry. He is supposed to be watching the kids this weekend. And here is the thing -- I don't want to complain about having to watch the kids, because they are my kids. But I do make an extremely convenient babysitter. Not that I babysit my own kids, but you get my point? Who goes out at 10:30 at night on a date. He is not going on a date, he is going out for sex. And for some reason, it bothers me. That is between him and the God of his choice. But seriously, we are still married and living in the same house. Which just brings me straight back to denial because, Hello Kim, he was doing this before he filed for divorce. Ugh...why can't I just accept he is going to do whatever he wants to cater to his libido. Never mind that this is technically his weekend to have the kids. Never mind that because I am here he picks and chooses one child to be with at a time and assumes that my schedule will pick up his slack. I thought I had class this weekend. Actually, it is every other weekend, so I was home. When he found out, the girls suddenly had the option not to go on errands. I still needed the time to study. I'm freaking tired too! But to him, I am the just the convenient fill in the blank here. Whatever he needs -- cook, childcare, margarita mistress (I said no!). He is out doing whatever feels good and I'm here being mom. Which is fine, I am happy being mom. What I am not happy about is him going out when the girls hear him talking about going out tonight. They know he wasn't going to work -- he wasn't wearing scrubs. Is he really that ignorant? Does he really think the girls don't understand what "going out" means. My youngest asked me about French kissing. I don't know where she heard about that -- hopefully school or a movie. I just want to put a pop knot on his head! I want to scream! Yep, anger, check. I'm feeling it!

I think I'm his magic 8 ball and he is going to just keep shaking me until he gets the answer he wants. Which is what exactly? He can have his cake and eat it too? He needs to pony up! I'm tired of his games! I'm supposed to write him a goodbye letter for my Divorce Recovery class. I have not been able to do it. Maybe it is because there is no goodbye in my near future. I am his fill in the blank indefinitely. Wah...I know...whining! But I'm pretty ticked off!

So that's why he brought me supper!

2009-01-31T21:46:00.003-06:00

See, I just blogged about my stbx. He brought me home supper. And there I was off in dreamland, thinking how sweet. I was trying to reconcile how this is the same man putting me through hell. Yes, I acknowledge that I am acquiescing to certain aspects of the hell I'm living in. Not that I'm being defensive. ;) But here is the kicker, he just "knocked" to tell me he was going "out" for the night. I'm not really sure if that means he is coming home or not. Maybe it means don't wait up --as if!

So tomorrow brings my terrible boundary -- sitting next to him in church. Thank goodness for The Bridge. That is my answer. I will go to The Bridge instead of the traditional worship service, thereby allowing me to sit comfortably by myself. To define comfortably by myself it means not holding hands and keeping up the facade of being happily married while listening to a sermon that often mentions the importance of marriage and family. It means being able to listen instead of daydreaming about the happily ever after I imagined when I took my vows in that very same church.

Silly me, I thought he was being sweet. The charmer of a man was justifying his guilt over going out and knockin' boots with someone else tonight. And we are in the same house?

Hmmm...I think this was a boundary?

2009-01-31T20:13:00.003-06:00

So I'm trying to think more about boundaries. This is a huge deal for me. Boundaries are my weak point. I would like to think that is only true in relationships. However, I never say no in lots of situations.

Even though I was in the middle of two winter semesters, a divorce, and a bad reaction to PTSD, I still said yes to making soup for the teacher's luncheon. Yep, the homemade kind. The kind that requires lots of prep and doesn't freeze well (meaning I couldn't double up and use it later). I should have either run to Jason's Deli and bought soup, or said no. However, I chose my favorite recipe and made it even when I didn't have time. Maybe that was bad boundaries and letting go as my role as stay at home mom and full time PTA mom. I just couldn't say *no.* Note to self: next time say no. Jill said it is okay to say no!

And Scott, Peachy was right, I do wear my super-mom cape. It became too big a part of my identity. I know, people reading this might think, how can being a good mom be a bad thing. See above for answer. I need to put the oxygen mask on myself first, so I can take care of my darling precious off-spring.

But, I am getting better. I resigned as room mom so I could still chair the Book Fair and handle soup labels. Word of advice to any parent out there: do not volunteer for soup labels unless you have an overwhelming need to do something charitable and this is your only option. Cutting and pasting UPC labels is mind-numbing. Hey, I just gave myself an new idea for numbing my emotions in a positive way (is there such a thing?) soup labels. Here it the thing, my kids can do the soup labels with me, because cutting and pasting is great for fine motor skills. Okay, that tangent ran its course. But anyway, room mom is the position with all the perks. I dropped that to do things that go unnoticed and are still needed.

I'm still teaching Sunday school, but only twice a month instead of every weekend. But this is silly to me. I love my Sunday kiddos. So to me it would make more since to be all in or all out. That is something I'm just not willing to let go of. Because to see the love for Jesus through a child's eyes gives me more pleasure than just about anything. For now, that is a keeper. I go to my Bible study on Wednesday nights when my kids are at choir practice. This is a good boundary for now, though open to reinterpretation at later dates.

I'm on the sub list for L'moms. For those of you not in the know, that is a super fancy, French sounding special name for......volunteering at the school library. And for the record, the name should be changed, because I know some very fabulous L'dads. But I haven't signed up for a regular shift, and have actually said no when I've had calls to sub. Before, I would have never said no. Good boundary.

I've come to realize my kids are not going to die or be permanently traumatized if I am not at every single school party. They will actually be okay if I don't make it to the Slim Goodbody kickoff. For years I never missed a field trip, class party, or other made up function. But now I'm selective and more picky. Being room mom did not allow for pickiness. Although, to be fair, this is not the best time to not show up for things. The kids are craving stability, so there is that nagging when I don't go. Sure I haven't written everything off -- I still go when I genuinely can work it into my schedule. Maybe this goes under if you feel guilty and it nags at you, it means you are setting a good boundary.

Okay, and here is my *gem* of a boundary that Bryan might disagree with. I told somebody (I won't name that name) not to call me woman. Yes, I am a woman. But I don't like being called woman. Silly, but a personal preference. So I told that person not to call me woman. Hah. I never would've said anything before. I would have politely listened even though it was nails on a chalkboard. So I asked this person, politely, not to call me woman. And when this person apologized, I felt terrible. The person was doing me a favor. Beggars can't be choosers, and all of those analogies come to mind. See, I was capable of a boundary. I can chose what I want to be called -- at least to my face. ;)

Alas, back to living arrangements. Terrible boundaries. Again, I feel like I'm stuck making a choice between the lesser of two evils. And I don't like evil. Yes, I sound like a three year old protesting broccoli. But here I am. And he brought me dinner home tonight. That is sweet. But it does muddy the waters. He is the good guy, bringing home supper to his soon to be ex wife. A simple gesture that is hard to reconcile with the same man who won't let me have access to financial records. So, for now, I'm stumbling, completely discombobulated, through the land mines of divorcing and living together.

Boundaries.

2009-01-30T16:50:00.006-06:00

It has been suggested that I started blogging about boundaries. Yes, I have read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Yes, I have discussed boundaries ad nauseaum in counseling. I spent almost the entire session talking about them this week. Here is the truth in plain English: I suck at boundaries! When it comes to my kids, I can put on my mom cape, and the boundaries are clear. But my own personal boundaries are about as clear as mud.

Here is an example of a really bad boundary I had in my marriage. Finances. I let Kevin control all of the financial information. I don't know how many credit cards we have, how many bank accounts we have, our net worth, where the money is, etc. I have not even seen a bill since we have been married. He has a post office box where all of our mail is diverted and I never even thought to ask for a key. Yep, that is me -- gullible and naive and lacking boundaries. I actually thought it was sweet that he took care of everything. But it was sweet in a controlling, don't worry your pretty little head sort of way. That was a sucky boundary, but I can guarantee you I won't ever put myself in that position again. Lesson learned. Chalk that up to credit earned in the school of hard knocks.

As for sex, I'm not even going there. Trust me, I have my issues to work on! *shrug* Don't we all.

However, I think the question was posed as more of a new set of boundaries given my circumstances. That is huge and wow...I'm stumped.

First of all, I have set some boundaries. He is not allowed in my bedroom. At all. Yes, there was the whole knocking and margarita incident, but just because he knocks doesn't mean I'm going to answer. Well, technically I did answer, but he didn't get what he was or was not looking for. Could I be anymore vague? What I'm trying to say is I drew a boundary there.

As for separate living accommodations, that will not be easy. Here me out, because I know easy is not synonymous with doing the right thing. But I am the primary care taker of the girls. Kevin is gone about 90 hours a week. He can't possibly assume primary care of them right now -- not that I would want him to. But I can't just up and move out. First of all, I don't have access to the money. Secondly, the girls have been ordered to reside in Tarrant County and attend the same school. So yes, boundaries are needed and desired. But until he cooperates, I feel stuck. Maybe I am in denial. I'll let myself think about this topic more.

Other boundaries: No dating for one year after the divorce is final. I think that was a good suggestion given the chaos of this divorce and everything else going on. I will happily agree to that.

So we circle back to sex: I am not going there. I posted the question on iHeart, just like you suggested S. We'll see what happens. Although *thank goodness* it is just advice, because if I had to take a guess, I wouldn't follow it. The advice I have been given by B and S (heh - that's funny) is the advice I will heed.

Other boundaries -- I don't know. Feel free to suggest certain areas where my boundaries seem lacking. Maybe I can't see the forest for the trees.

However, going back to school has forced a certain level of self-discipline on me that I was lacking. That is another way I am growing. And I gave a presentation on "The Five Love Languages" because my professor still thinks I'm married. I had to talk about the importance of love languages in a marriage. So there I was speaking Kevin's German (acts of service) as a reminder that I'm not anywhere near fluent in German. And that got me to wandering about if he only spoke my Russian (words of affirmation), if that would of or could of changed anything. And I did it all with a *pasted smile* on my face. It wasn't all bad, I did get to talk about the love languages of mon petit bebes. I mostly focused on that -- how bad could that be for any mom -- being forced to speak about the most incredible miracles in her life! So see, I'm not being maudlin. Or defensive. ;)

But the floor is open -- if you see areas where boundaries seem to be an issue, bring it to my attention. And I appreciate the suggestion for the blog!

Mediation is officially off!

2009-01-30T15:50:00.003-06:00

I got an email from my attorney, and mediation has been cancelled until further notice. Kevin needs to turn in the financial information before my attorney will agree to mediate again. My only other option is to take this back to court. If that happens, Kevin will be no holds barred, go straight for the jugular in his proceedings. And his attorney is *overly qualified* in that arena. So that is my dilemma. No good answer -- more waiting?

I brought this one on myself.

2009-01-29T23:51:00.002-06:00

Okay Scott, time to whack me over the head. Now that I have the courage to contact my lawyer, he is not in. I have sent him 2 emails and left a voicemail regarding mediation on Monday. Since I haven't heard from him, I'm not sure what to think. But I am posting my lack of due diligence here for all the world to see. I am accountable.

Kevin says he still doesn't have the financial information, so therefore he can't mediate. Which my lawyer actually agrees with. My lawyer says there is no point to mediation if we don't know what we are mediating about. Kevin has a conference call with his attorney tomorrow at 1:30 -- I guess maybe I'll find out through his attorney. Had I not stuck my head in the sand, mediation would have happened. I have to force myself to move forward. I know the current situation is way too much for the girls and me. You know what I feel at this point -- ambivalence. I'm not saying it is healthy or good or even justification. All of the legal shenanigans are *wearing me down.* But I am capable of doing better. My girls deserve it and need it. This is torture, and yes, I am allowing it to continue.

On a brighter note, I started a Divorce Recovery class at my church tonight. It was great in too many ways to list. Actually, I was having a fantastic day, but when I sat in a room where people could actually relate to the situation, the tears began to fall. *crying in public is not my thing -- but it wasn't too public* Everyone was sympathetic and I just let it out. When I got home, I felt relieved and lighter. This is going to be very healing for me. Hopefully this can also be a good kick in the rear to move out of fear and into the future. I let fear paralyze me for far too long. A new healthy pathway has emerged from the darkness -- I am grateful!

Scott, comment away please! I need to be accountable. Were you ever paralyzed by fear during your divorce? I completely understand what you said about letting him win. Actually for days now I have been thinking about the money and your advice. You have made me think, on a much deeper level than before, about what I actually need compared to what I want. It has been humbling and an insidious gnawing on my heart and mind.

Anger!

2009-01-28T07:36:00.002-06:00

I never did go to Camille's room to sleep. Instead, I watched my babies sleep. That is when the anger started washing over me -- to look at them so innocent and sweet. Bryan, I know why you use the kids to get me in touch with my feelings -- they always will be the trump card. But I have to tell you that the anger I felt was horribly ugly. The thought of someone even touching my daughters, just one time, the way I was touched for years, would literally make me insane. Anger is really not something I'm interested in feeling. How necessary is it to heal?

Do you really have to go through anger to truly forgive? I think I have forgiven. How could I even be in the same room as my brother if I had not forgiven? And a couple of the guys from my neighborhood are on facebook. I look at pictures of their wives and children. I think I forgive them every time I see their pictures. They still haunt me in nightmares, but I feel like I have forgiven them.

Maybe I have forgiven them -- maybe I just need to forgive myself. After all this time, in spite of everything, there are times when I still feel guilt, shame, and helplessness. There is much evidence to the contrary, all I have to do is look in my daughters eyes; but one can know this intellectually, and still feel every bit ashamed, alone, and afraid.

Maybe I can write my way through this. Although the writing seems to lack a depth of feeling, at least I'm doing it. There is something about putting my thoughts into words, even if the words are too simplistic to explain how I feel; at least I am making an attempt. After all, how does one write eloquently about being raped as a child? I criticize my writing when really that is not what this is about. There is something about writing a blog...putting my feelings out there for others to see or not see...to read or not read...to like or dislike...by that simple act I am connecting to the world, and defying my aloneness. There is a sense of connection, and it frees me up in a good way...I'm not sure how it works, or why it works, but some of the time it does. Scott your feedback has been an incredible gift -- thank you. There is something cathartic about just getting it out.

Thresholds.

2009-01-28T04:25:00.002-06:00

Many times today I will cross over a threshold.

I hope to catch a few of those times.

I need to remember that my life is, in fact,

a continuous series of thresholds:

from one moment to the next,

from one thought to the next,

from one action to the next,

Help me appreciate how awesome this is.

How many are the chances to be really alive...

to be aware of the enormous dimension

we live within.

On the threshold the entire past and the endless

future rush to meet one another.

They take hold of each other and laugh.

They are so happy to discover themselves

in the awareness of a human creature.

On the threshold the present breaks all

boundaries.

It is a convergence, a fellowship

with all time and space.

We find You there.

And we are found by You there.

Help me cross into the present moment --

into wonder, into Your grace;

that "now - place," where we all are unfolding

as Your life moment by moment.

Let me live on the threshold as threshold.

-Gunilla Norris

No Sleep Tonight.

2009-01-28T02:59:00.003-06:00

My bed if full of sweet little girls -- which means no sleep for me. The sleet was "too scary" and all three have made their way downstairs. Little arms and legs are sticking out everywhere. Charlotte is not capable of sleeping in one position. She does gymnastics in her sleep -- which is why I have exactly 4 inches of a king size bed. Not to mention they all just got hair cuts. Girl hair cuts include "pixie dust" which is just a fancy word for glitter that one can never rid themselves of. Whoever thought of pixie dust was not a mother.

Camille and Gigi are so cute snuggled up together. And Gigi is actually sleeping! I guess I should go sleep in Camille's room. I need to sleep! School is canceled tomorrow, so I'll have to keep the kiddos quiet again. *that is a pain* I guess we'll head across the street.

Kevin actually called from work to tell me not to let the kids jump on the trampoline, ride bikes or scooters, or anything else dangerous on the ice. He's so smart -- I never would have figured that out! I asked him about the art auction, and he was very ambiguous. It was supposed to have happened last weekend, but the reserve wasn't met. Blah, blah, blah. I'm tired of excuses. Who knows when or what will happen next.

I'm just whining and rambling...it is 3:20 in the morning. Time to put the computer away and head to another room. Sweet dreams.

Ice Storms.

2009-01-27T06:19:00.002-06:00

Ugh...Kevin worked last night, so he'll want to sleep today. I'm going to be stuck keeping three girls quiet, inside the house, because of the ice storm. Good thing they don't have ER closings, so he'll have to leave by 4. It looks like school will be closed tomorrow too. Fun times! Maybe we can make it to Keller for a playdate and mommy margaritas! That wouldn't be so bad! Or I could try and make it to my parents house. Hmmm...what to do?

He wants to put off mediation!

2009-01-26T22:57:00.002-06:00

Kevin still does not have the financial information together. He wants to put off mediation until March. I must be missing some piece of logic in this scenario. When he filed for divorce, did he not think he would have to disclose our finances? What are we doing?

I took Camille to therapy today, and the therapist asked what our "plan" was. Camille was in the room so I repeated all the things I need to say: we love her, this is not her fault, etc. But as for a plan...heck if I know. The plan is for me to have access to financial information. Why pay thousands more dollars for the mediation process when I don't even know what we are mediating about. And again, why pay someone to tell us the right thing to do. What a waste of money. I don't even care about the money -- I just want what is fair, nothing less, nothing more. We need to move on. Inertia is no fun.

Also, I have not heard anything else about the art auction. I wonder if he backed out? Some of the oil paintings are in a gallery, but I don't know that "plan" either. And now he is arguing with me about the Audubon he gave me as a gift. I'm done arguing...he can keep it.

The condo in New Orleans? I'm not sure about that either. Supposedly it is listed because I signed the listing contract, but have not heard a word about it in months.

I know the property on White's Chapel isn't listed, but it should be. Ugh....what a headache.

As for the non-existent nanny, as far as I know he is still paying her $2,800 a month. *sigh* I'm not even frustrated right now -- just puzzled. I'm embarrassed to even call my attorney. This is crazy! He has been practicing law 35 years, and he has never had a case like this.

Camille's therapist clearly told me tonight that her depression is situational. Kevin tried to tell me the therapist was unsure if it was situational or organic. He just hears what he wants to hear.

Although he did tell the therapist he was the custodial parent and I would be moving out. How presumptuous. Actually, how laughable. He is making his own bed...now I just need the moxy to let him lie in it.

Denial.

2009-01-26T02:17:00.002-06:00

I am clearly in denial. Sitting up at 2:30 in the morning trying to figure out how to save a marriage that won't work is....what? Crazy, delusional, or just plain denial. It doesn't help when the sermon I listened to today was based on three simple words -- Just Stay Married. Yes, that is exactly what I want.

And I'm great at justifying staying in a marriage. First of all, the thought of not being able to tuck my girls into bed every night is enough to make me sick at my stomach. Not getting to kiss their sweet little heads when the finish their baths is heart-breaking. Questioning the relationship, or lack there of, that Kevin has with Camille boggles my mind. Not to mention the fact that I believe marriage is a decision. You decide to be committed. The vows I took didn't say when the going gets tough, by all means bail. I made a promise to my God and my husband. How do you simply turn this over to the courts and say, "Whoops, just joking about those vows, it got too hard." This is a covenant I made with Kevin and God. No judge was sitting at my wedding ceremony. No lawyers were there to dot i's and cross t's. Nope, just us and God and family. Now mediation is coming up and all he wants is to win. For the life of me, I don't understand how he thinks there is a winner. Everyone loses, especially the girls.

He has been a terrible husband, and very cruel at times. But part of me just keeps thinking if only he would truly embrace counseling. I still pray God will make some miracle happen, and the divorce won't happen. Here is the truth: I love Kevin. I love him even though he has hurt me, and been cruel. I'm far from perfect. I'm flawed too.

I need to snap out of this before mediation, or he is going to hand me my rear end on a platter. I'm just not a fighter. I hate conflict. I don't understand why we need to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to have someone tell us what the right thing to do is. We both need to be as active as possible in the girl's lives. We need to work together to give them as much security and stability as possible. Is this just the death of common sense?

The girls are hurting and confused. So am I. My pastor keeps telling me Kevin is confused and has no idea what he wants. Is he having a mid-life crisis. Does he really hate me? Ugh...I need to get myself together, acknowledge this is happening, and deal with it.

As angry as I am, I think I will always love him. Of course I will, I had three miracles with him. But now is the time to seize the opportunity to make a better life for the girls and for myself. It is just hard not to get sucked into those really great and fun memories. But this marriage has been nothing more than a facade of a marriage for a long time now. We are playing house, and doing so at the expense of everyone's emotional health.

I have less than two weeks until mediation. I have been avoiding my attorney phone calls. I know -- bad idea! I just don't want to deal with this. Too bad -- I'm going to have to.

Back to the anger. I wish I could channel the anger I have over things he has said and done. But I don't feel anger. I feel sad. I feel like I should have tried harder to make things work. How do you get angry?

Stop fighting it!

2009-01-23T15:39:00.002-06:00

After therapy on Thursday, I (we) figured out that I was still in denial. Really, I can't tell you how frustrating that is. But as a coping mechanism, it has served me well -- that is until now. The more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. I just don't feel capable of being that angry. So if I have to go through anger to heal, why am I so afraid of anger? Maybe there is too much to be angry about? It is confusing, because I feel like I have forgiven these people. Apparently I'm in denial about that too.

Update on last night: S told me to try not to fight it. You know what -- brilliant advice! Sleep did not come easy. But instead of trying to numb the pain, I just let myself cry. I held onto my pillow and cried myself to sleep. It worked. I did wake up a couple of times, but I didn't allow myself to stuff the feelings. I just grabbed my pillow and cried it out again. It was good, cathartic crying. Normally when I cry, I feel alone. This time I didn't. There was a release in it. Dare I even say it -- almost as good as a release as cutting. S, you don't know about the cutting. I haven't done it in a long time, but I often want to. The hot tears were a release.

When I woke up this morning I felt blessed. G had tacky day at school. It was a riot! The girls and I laid clothes out all over trying to come up with the "tackiest" combination possible. It was quite a debate with 4 females. See, this is when dad should dress the kiddos. No offense to the male gender, it's just it wouldn't take you half and hour to figure out tacky. Then I had time to braid everyone's hair. Even tacky braids with pipe cleaners so they stood straight up! I took all my angels to school. I felt peace. I'm going to be okay.

I'm grateful for all I have. I'm grateful for my faith. I'm grateful to have wonderful, caring people in my life. I'm grateful for the three most precious girls in the world!

Now, if I can only get angry! My gym offers kickboxing. Maybe that would be a start?

Gratitude.

2009-01-22T21:37:00.003-06:00

Tonight I am shutting my computer down and spending an hour with God before bed. Please know how grateful I am for all of the listening, support, and friendship. B, thanks for putting up with me for 2 years. S, thanks for being a friend whom inspires me. Now I'm going to make some hot tea, read my Bible, and pray. Good night and sweet dreams!

I'll let ya know how the night goes -- at least I can sleep with the windows open -- it's a beautiful night!

Love from Ginda.

2009-01-22T02:00:00.002-06:00

My friend Ginda sent me this. It is not really for a blog, but I want to be able to read it when I need to. Here is her prayer for me:

Dear God,

The woman reading this is beautiful, classy, and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you most, and let her know when she walks with you she will always be safe.

Love you girl!

Ginda

All one big misunderstanding!

2009-01-22T00:24:00.002-06:00

I found daily emails from Lily today! All this time I have been worried, stressed, and angry with her. Somehow, in changing email accounts, I was not getting her messages. She was frustrated with me!

It is strange to be best friends with someone since kindergarten. Strange in a great, fantastic, should happen to everyone sort of way! We had our lives planned out many times over. What we would do, who we would marry, where we would live, and how at the ends of our lives we would share a room in the same old folks home. Oh the beautiful days of innocence. We had a plan that starting at 25, we would take a vacation together every five years no matter what. Again, who can blame girls for dreaming -- that's what we do.

However, she just had her 35th birthday, and mine is coming up in June. A couple of years ago we thought of Italy. We even started to plan it. And while all of these plans may seem idealistic, we have held true to them for the most part. We spent a summer in Paris together. Then when I finally shut the baby factory down, we went to Mexico. Of course, in between were all the Christmas vacations she spent with the girls and me. She has assembled more of the kid's toys than Kev has.

So here we are at 35 -- both at places in our lives that seemed relatively stable. Now her father is slowly dying, her mom is falling apart, and she is stuck in Taiwan indefinitely. And I am trying to let go of my own happily ever after. So when we need each other the most, we have been the most out of touch. And on the occasion we have had the opportunity to talk, it has been strained.

That is the problem and the beauty of a 30 year old friendship. I tell her she is too harsh with her mother, that she needs to be with her father, and that I think she should be in Taiwan. This is not what she wants to hear. And maybe I should've spent more less time telling her what to do, and actually listen to and validate her feelings. She is putting her life on temporary hold, and is doing it on another continent.

The same can be said for her though. She is frustrated with my divorce, and says the girls and I will never be happy living the way we are. And I just want to scream sometimes. But she doesn't so much care about my temporary feelings, she is looking at long term health and happiness. Which is exactly where I was trying to steer her. And at the end of the day, we have such a deep love for each other, that is all we want -- for each other to be healthy and happy.

I'm not sure why I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt when I had not heard from her. Now I have a whole inbox full of the most beautiful, loving emails. She had a dream about me. It started out when we were little girls and fast forwarded all the way to the future. She said we were on the beach together laughing, and I looked healthy, fulfilled and even a bit glamourous. So maybe we will only vacation in our dreams this year.

But it is great to know that when each of us make it past the unforeseen current crisis each of us are in, we will still have each other. We have woven a rich tapestry of love and friendship that I will always treasure. During a time that I miss love, I can now actually look back and see her beautiful love that I have had all along. Of course it is not romantic love, but it is unconditional and committed love. The love of a friend who has spent 30 years laughing and crying with me. What better gift is there?

Creepy.

2009-01-21T23:57:00.002-06:00

I was reading through Post Secret's rape thread. And it is mostly all women sharing the stories of their rape. Some are detailed, others not so much. But this guy logged on, it's anonymous obviously, and posted he read the rape storied to get off. He said he fantasizes about raping someone, and he uses the stories as an outlet to keep him from actually doing it. How creepy is that? Can you say evil?

Still.Not.Asleep.

2009-01-21T05:12:00.002-06:00

Okay, well I'm writing this night off to no sleep. None, nada, zilch, zero. Precious baby girl is all snuggled up around me. All I can do is take in her beauty and she still has a little bit of that sweet baby smell. I think it is the lotion she uses. You can see God's peace in a sleeping child. May God continue to wrap her in steadfast love and courage.

What am I doing to my girls?

2009-01-21T01:24:00.003-06:00

Today was a teacher inservice, so all 3 girls were home. This morning when I was leaving for school, Camille was so sweet. She gave me a big hug and kiss, and said she had a surprise for me. She packed my lunch! So I went about my day and opened her lunch, complete with a love note. I didn't give it too much thought, other than she is a sweetheart.

When I got home from school, Kevin was busy doing Kevin things. Camille had her sisters in her room and they were playing school. Also very cute, and normal.

But when I went in my bedroom to put my books and laptop away, I noticed my bed was different. During the day while I was gone, she came in and put clean sheets on the bed, and remade it. The pillows were nice and fluffy, but there sat another note: Mommy I love you and I miss you. The pangs of guilt started.

I thanked her for my lunch and clean sheets. But it was one of those parenting moments where your mind is going a million miles a minute trying to say just the right words. I don't want her to feel like she has to pick up any extra slack. I can't even get a full week's schedule out of Kevin, so I imagine the girls are very confused. They are living day to day, not knowing if it's going to be mom, dad, or my mom.

Camille is my little mother hen. She dotes on her little sisters and is the peacekeeper. Now, I feel like she trying to "be" mommy when I am not around. Maybe I'm projecting too much. But her little plate if full. I get that everyone is going to have extra responsibility since I'm not staying home all the time. But why does it have to be the kids?

Tonight she came down crying and asked for some cuddle time. I held her and we talked. Then she asked a *big ouch* question: Mommy are you ever going to stay at home with us again for good. Yikes, it was a zinger! I don't think they understand or can even conceptualize what divorce is. The boundaries are so murky right now; how could they?

So my precious little one fell asleep in my bed. When I look down at her my eyes fill with tears. She is innocent. She didn't deserve this. There is no easy or clear path. I want to shield her and protect her, but she has her own heart and soul. All I can do is hold her and dry the tears. Now, I'm having to tell my child something isn't her fault. How ironic.

Here we go again.

2009-01-20T02:37:00.002-06:00

Another flashback, and another huge adrenaline dump just woke me up. My heart is pounding away, and I'm drenched in sweat. It was the weird house of horrors amusement park theme again. Every corner brought back a different flashback. I tried an Ambien tonight, but it is no match for the adrenaline dump. Now I'm wide awake. I can still smell the abuse; that is what I hate most about flashbacks.

I didn't write anything new tonight, but I did send S the story of the first rape. Maybe if I actually wrote something, it would have helped. Before, that was the first real night of restful sleep I have had. More writing. Not fun, but I need to do it.

I'm going to try a cup of tea and a hot bath. Hopefully that will work. Spring classes start tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep!

Stop the Insanity!

2009-01-18T21:23:00.003-06:00

Clearly there are boundary issues given the fact that Kevin and I still live together. Tonight, the girls are spending the night at my parent's house. So Kev calls me into the kitchen. In the freezer was a bottle of margaritas, the kind in the plastic frozen bottle, that you squeeze out like a slushy. First of all, the bottle has been there since this summer, June maybe. Of course, he asks if it's mine. Like all of the sudden we own individual food items? *eyes rolling* So I told him it was margaritas made with wine and he was welcome to have it. Then he says, "It is frozen pretty hard." Um, well yeah, that's the point of a freezer. Then he takes the bottle and puts it between my breasts, and says, "This will thaw it out." I cannot believe this is my life! He touched my breasts. Ewww. He stuck a bottle in between my breasts to thaw out his margarita. I still can't believe this. Then he starts shaking the bottle like he is masturbating or something. I'm so grossed out right now. I turned around and headed straight for my bedroom, when he calls out, "Do you want one?" Not just no, but "insert expletives here" no!

Maybe he was confused by the friendly, weird conversation in my previous blog. But come on, leave me alone! It's disgusting and he's disgusting!

My Kevin, who is not my Kevin, and who is Kevin?

2009-01-18T15:51:00.005-06:00

Kevin called on his way home from College Station. I tried to put on my "happy Kim" voice when I answered the phone. No such luck -- right away he asked what was wrong. I asked him if he really wanted to know and really wanted to listen. He said yes. I cried my eyes out and told him I don't know how not to love him. I posed the question to him. He danced around it, saying things like people grow apart, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he didn't answer the question. So I asked him how he could just quit loving me. I'm not talking about romantic love, I'm talking about loving me in terms of being the mother of his children love. His reply was that he didn't hate me. What?

I guess hate is a subjective word, but he has verbalized the word hate. He told me he hired the best attorney he could find to make me look like the worst mother possible. He advertised my most personal and vulnerable secrets to a plethora of people. He has threatened to hit me. He has said he wishes I were dead. He told me he wished I would fall off the face of the earth. All of these things seem hateful in nature. So basically his answer was he doesn't hate me (which needs qualifiers, because what that really means is he doesn't hate me in this very moment), but he doesn't love me. Hmmm....I will always love him because he is the father of my children, and he is a child of God.

Speaking of God, I asked him if he feels any guilt in regards to the divorce. We both go to church, we both read the same Bible, so I assumed his answer would be yes. Because even though I didn't want this divorce, I do feel a certain amount of religious guilt. Even if it is not completely justified, because he is the one leaving. Before I even asked him if he felt guilt, I confessed my feelings of my own guilt. He said he doesn't feel any guilt whatsoever. This was not a heated argument, we were having a civil conversation, maybe even a remarkably friendly conversation. He said he doesn't feel religious guilt or guilt in regards to our children because they will be "just fine" (his words, not mine). I asked him isn't that pretty much the premise of the Bible? We are to be obedient to God, love others, and are given the gift of salvation and redemption through the blood of Jesus Christ. He told me he doesn't believe he will have to answer to God for any of his decisions. Huh? How do you profess such a strong belief in Christ and not believe we should atone for sin? Does he really go to church just to do what he is supposed to do, without embracing the premise of being there. All I could do was recite in my head I Corinthians 7:15, "But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to Peace."

Divorce causes so much pain and heartache. And besides, love isn't so much a feeling as it is a decision. When I married Kevin, I made a choice, a commitment, for life. So I don't buy that idea that people fall in and out of love. Sometimes marriage is tough. But you don't just bail out. You keep going back to those promises you made! Is his definition of love so superficial and shallow that you just change your mind based on feelings rather than right and wrong?

No wonder he has no reason or logic in terms of this divorce. If he professes his Christianity, and does not believe he will be accountable to his actions on earth, why would he feel like a judge in a court of law has any power over him. Is he really that narcissistic?

I'm not a happy camper :(

2009-01-17T23:59:00.000-06:00

Alone in my solitude, I miss what I have given away. I want it back. Like a child about to have a temper-tantrum, I am ready to scream! I need it! Just to hold onto for 5 minutes. Is that too much to ask?

Kevin is in College Station and the girls are at my parents. Do you know how much I want to call Kevin 3? This is a lonely place, and I want out. I actually considered emailing my Kevin to tell him: Here is the truth, I love you and I miss you. Isn't that pathetic? But he was supposed to be my forever. He was supposed to be the one I curl up with. And hot tears fall down my cheeks because I know he won't ever love me. He can't even like me.

I can't see through the tears to type. How many tears will I cry? When will I ever feel better?

At least tomorrow is Sunday. I will teach my Sunday school class and refuel my spirit. I hope it will get me through.

The kiddos are off school Monday and Tuesday. That is what my focus will be -- my babies.

Hope.

2009-01-17T12:15:00.001-06:00

B, This is For You (and me, of course)!

2009-01-17T07:38:00.000-06:00

B, I slept and now I can say it:

"It was NOT my fault!"

See, that was easy after sleep! I'm going for a jog in the frigid morning air. My prayer the whole time will be simple, only two words, thank you.

My mind feels clear. I feel like Sleeping Beauty after waking from a long sleep. Can you tell I'm happy? :)

I did it!

2009-01-17T07:22:00.000-06:00

I did it! I made it through the night without a flashback! Do you know how long it has been? Get this, I even slept. Good sleep, uninterrupted sleep, restful sleep! Wow, I actually can enjoy the morning. Thank you God!

Maybe because I wrote about the rape last night. Maybe I got it out of my mind before bed. B, what do you think? Did that help me?

You might not think one night is a big deal. But this is the first night in as long as I can remember.

Thanks S for listening to me!

2009-01-16T00:28:00.000-06:00

So I talked to B about sleep hygiene. Tonight I moved the laptop out of the bed. Mini-steps. But look at the time....I'm already up again. My pajamas are soaked with sweat, my hair is wet, and my heart is pounding. Welcome to my world: fractured sleep, flashbacks, nightmares, PTSD, and depression.

Find hope, find hope, find hope. Hang on and don't let go.

Yes B, I am missing what I gave you. I need to hold it, touch it, and feel it next to my skin. Not having it is both frightening and relieving. Time to cuddle up with IF. Maybe he can help me fall back asleep.

2009-01-15T22:47:00.000-06:00

Right now I wish I could go for a walk in the rain, then my tears would just blend right in. I miss my best friend. I hurt her feelings ~ honestly hurt them. I knew what I was saying was harsh. But she has said harsh things to me. Why won't she let me be there for her. We have always been each other's soft place to fall. Now I can't even get a return phone call. Just a short facebook post is all she can manage.

Maybe in a strange way, our roles are reversed right now. She is usually trying to help me, and I resist. Now I want to help her and she is resisting. But I love her. I love her more than just about anyone on this Earth. She has saved my life more than once.

Now hot tears fall and I need to hear her voice. I need to hear her tears fall too. I'm sending my prayers into the Universe and I hope she will find them.

2009-01-15T21:59:00.000-06:00

I just had the worst panic attack. I know that every panic attack makes your heart race and you feel like you can't breathe. But this time, I really thought I might be having a heart attack. Drama, drama, drama...I know. But truly, I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest! Of course, all of the other symptoms were there: sweating, adrenaline dump, that fight or flight feeling, and huge palpitations. I was truly scared.

When I pulled myself together, with the help of xanax and prayer, I felt so lonely. I used to be able to tell my husband about my panic attacks. Now telling him is just arming him for battle. I've never told anyone else about them. My parents would just....I don't even know what they would think. Lily would suggest some sort of herbs and acupuncture. So what is worse than having a panic attack? Having one and not being able to tell anyone.

Every time I have one, I just try to imagine God holding me. That is all I have left. God and my IF. I wish I had no secrets.

Of course now I want to go to bed. I'll try, but my heart is still pounding. Somedays I hate my life. That is wrong on so many levels, but it is the truth.

2009-01-14T20:36:00.000-06:00

Today the kiddos asked when dad would be home again, because he is much more "fun." I guess that is what I would say too if I were them. Mom doesn't host movie nights on school nights. Wednesdays we do homework right when they get off the bus, because we have church choir and Bible study in the evening. I don't allow computers and movies in bed, especially after lights out. I make them wash their hair every night. I don't take them to McDonalds or Chick-fil-a every night. And get this, I even make them eat leftovers. *GASP* I know what you are thinking, call CPS. I am the mean mom who enforces homework, bedtime, and other novelties like actually getting to school on time.

Being Patient

2009-01-13T23:47:00.000-06:00

The word "patient" derives its meaning from the Latin adjective patiens, which literally means "one who endures." Patience is the only reasonable answer to all the questions we project out into the Universe from our quiet, mortal solitude. "Why? Why am I here?"

At first, the only response we receive is: Wait! Just wait! Wait patiently. Wait earnestly. Wait like a stone. Wait as long as it takes. Then, wait some more. But the Universe has a soft spot for those who demonstrate they can endure. The heavens draw closer to those who show they can wait. The heavens sublimate themselves till they see their own life as a metaphor for the infinite ebb and flow of the galaxies. Patient souls are rewarded with a glimpse of interstellar patience, drawn in the dust from God's own hand.

When it rains, it pours.

2009-01-11T01:39:00.000-06:00

Ohhh baby, when it rains, it pours! Of course, life does not occur in a vacuum. Everything going on with me, occurs in the frame work of the roles of a daughter, a mother, and a soon-to-be-ex-wife. Nothing trumps motherhood. To be a mother is to be the sacred steward of precious human life. To be a mother is to hold a child's future in our hands.

In addition to dealing with my depression and PTSD, I am dealing with a divorce. My children's lives have changed dramatically. That was enough to trigger depression in two of my children. My middle child needed intensive day patient therapy and medication. My oldest child is now in therapy and has been diagnosed with organic and situational depression. Needing to finish my education, I am taking two intense winter semesters. Last week I felt guilt for leaving for school and not being with them 24/7 as they are used to. But I thought it was the perfect opportunity because my husband had the first week off. I was excited for him to really experience what it is like to raise 3 children. So I stayed out of his way, did not criticize him, and knew there would be a learning curve.

However, I had no idea how profound an impact my schooling would have on my oldest daughter. In hindsight, I should of started out with only one mini-semester. Obviously two was overly ambitious during this time of transition. My oldest child is bright and asks poignant questions. She is worried about the divorce, who will live where, and how often she will see her dad and me. As I hear an eight year old grapple with these questions, it is heart-breaking. These are adult issues and I want her to enjoy just being a kid.

Every night at bedtime, I pray with each of my three children alone. Doing this serves a higher purpose. Not only do I want to pray with and for them, I want to teach them to pray, and build a connection with each child. When I pray with my children, I do so individually, and ask each child what in specific they would like me to pray about on their behalf. As my children grow, and begin to pull away from me as a parent, and begin to depend more on their peers, I hope this will be an opportunity for them to confide in me. This may sound overly-ambitious and idealist, but why not try?

Tonight when I prayed with my oldest daughter, she looked up at me with the most beautiful, big brown eyes, and started sobbing. She said, "Mommy, I want God to give me the strength to survive one more week." This was followed by lots of I miss yous, why do you have to go to school, will I see you next week or only talk to you on the phone, and a million other questions. You could see her grasping for stability and security. I tried to explain that this would not be forever, just one more week and my schedule would settle down. She just kept sobbing and asked how she could make it one more week. This was preceded by a day of meltdowns as she clung to me.

Now I am stuck in a terrible situation. Do I drop one class to give her stability. Do I say let's stick it out and encourage her. However, I know that I'm struggling to keep up with all of the demands. Next week will require my mother to take care of the kids because my husband is working, and my intense schedule. I could easily drop my on campus class that physically takes me away, and then focus on my online class and kids.

I am confused, and only want what is best for my precious babies. Given all the circumstances, I would be at peace with dropping one class. However, if I did and my husband found out, it would be instant ammunition in an already mean-spirited custody battle. It is frustrating enough without having to add that component to the picture. It is a double-edged sword. Because like everything else in this divorce, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Now I have a paper due, an exam to take, three discussion boards due tomorrow for my online class. I have taken care of the discussion boards, but still have a paper and exam. For my other class I have 10 chapters and 2 labs to complete before Monday. And I need to make a decision before Monday in order to drop the class. I just pray I make the right decision.

postsecret.com

2009-01-11T00:05:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a fantastic website postsecret is. It pulled me from despair and isolation into a realm of other women who can *truly* relate. The website is very inspiring. I'm inspired to voice a secret I carry: I am afraid that my flashbacks will never go away. I am afraid I will always smell my abuse. I am afraid I won't heal.

2009-01-10T23:59:00.001-06:00

"Being able to survive it doesn't mean that it was ever ok..."

From www.postsecret.com

2009-01-10T16:52:00.000-06:00

"They say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." -Andy Warhol

But Inside I Want to Scream!

I Hate the World Today.

The darker the night, the brighter the tomorrow.

Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone.

The inspiration.

My poor neglected blog!

Bloggers block?

My first week without my kids.

The birds and the bees.

A little spring cleaning around the blog...

Living on the edge of a divorce.

Random quiz.

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last!

I am freaking out!

Thank goodness I have school tomorrow.

Boundary? I'm not sure.

You take the L out of lover, and it's OVER.

Manicures.

Memo to the world.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Emme, Bryan liked it too, and since I can't sleep.

OMG Her nail polish chipped!

My parents house.

Okay, so I have this friend who wants me to play along.

The best way to make enemies.

He tried to make small talk.

I'm trying to fight this.

The wisdom of Solomon.

All hell has broken loose.

Thank you Scott!

Mardi Gras.

Entitlement.

Absolute Panic.

Accountability.

Make it stop.

I am calling my rapist to help my brother.

Words of empathy and kindness.

A prayer.

Kim has reattached her head to her shoulders.

Okay Bryan, I have a question for you.

Thank goodness Kevin is at work.

I miss sex.

The conversations become more bizarre.

He does not even try to hide it.

I feel like a terrible mother.

I need to get myself together.

So this is my boundary... how to enforce it?

I have a *date* for Valentine's Day!

Random Quote...from I don't know who.

An ode to my own Greek tragedy.

What the heck just happened?

Back on Track.

Emotional Misery.

Hypothetically speaking...

Hypothetically speaking...

New way to deal with anger.

March 2nd is the "new" discovery date.

Wants and Needs.

Paranoid.

My Goodbye Letter (An Ongoing Draft)

My Kids are Amazing!

He is still not home.

My new blog feature...Patrick's Saturday Six.

Now I know why I don't do anger.

Now I'm just ranting!

I feel the *ANGER* finally!

So that's why he brought me supper!

Hmmm...I think this was a boundary?

Boundaries.

Mediation is officially off!

I brought this one on myself.

Anger!

Thresholds.

No Sleep Tonight.

Ice Storms.

He wants to put off mediation!

Denial.

Stop fighting it!

Gratitude.

Love from Ginda.

I have a date for Valentine's Day!

I feel the ANGER finally!