Yes... so I stole lyrics from Meredith Brooks. But for today... I just want to hide under my covers and hope my monsters go away. Really, I never thought Kevin could do a week on week off. But for the first time ever it happened. My heart feels so broken... I cannot stand not seeing my babies for a week. Camille calls crying, asking me to come pick her up. I can't exactly explain that would be kidnapping. So I do my best to tell her that we will see each other soon, send all the girls e-cards, and call once a day. Really I would call like fifteen times a day... but that would be borderline psycho. The first week of school is my territory. I have been a stay at home mom, and Kevin has never been interested before. Now he is super controlling. I'm so mad that one person can choose to destroy a family of five, without any input from anyone else. I feel like I am running out of appropriate adult reactions. I just want to scream.
So tomorrow is a fresh start. Tomorrow is my chance to surround myself with peace at DBU. Tomorrow is my chance to catch up with Dr. Mullen. Tomorrow I get to physically see Bryan. But God, please, could you just make the tears stop so I can sleep? Mark called... he gave me a pep talk, and a get it together talk all in one. He even offered to come spend the night. Now I'm thinking I should have accepted... I could use a shoulder to cry on for awhile. Mark's parents divorced when he was Gigi's age... he has lots of wisdom from the kids prospective. Not only that, but being a former teacher, he has solid advice. I wish Mark was here to hold me.
Mark did advise me tonight to ask Kevin, politely, to send all messages via email. That way everything is documented and we won't fight over what was or was not said. I did that. Here is the hump I just can't get over... small group Bible Study with Kevin. I couldn't go tonight. The thought of being in a small room worshipping with him made me literally vomit. This is scary... the kids in school full time, I'm in school full time, the million appointments we all have, homework, and paying bills. I really do wish Angel lived closer... I would love a roommate. Everyday is a new beginning... I'll just try again tomorrow. Bur for now, *ouch*, my head hurts. I hope this isn't depression creeping up on me. Anything but that.
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> Mark did advise me tonight to ask Kevin, politely, to send all messages via email. That way everything is documented and we won't fight over what was or was not said.
ReplyDeleteWhat a spectacular idea! I'm glad that someone suggested this to you! ;)
You should ask Kevin if you can pick the girls up for lunch around mid-week. The first week or two away from a parent for the first time is really tramatic for the kids as well as the parent. I'm surprised nobody's advised you to intersperse a bit of time-with-mom among dad's first-ever week alone with the girls.