I am freaking out!

Oh, this is going to be one heck of a long night. I'm trying to stay calm... but the paralegal keeps calling with all sorts of last minute questions. I am edgy, moody, and scared. Worst case scenario: I have to move out and we get split custody. That is already what I offered, so I shouldn't be so scared.

But maybe it is we are about to actually sever ties. Maybe it is that all of my hopes and dreams are becoming numbers on a piece of legal paper. But maybe these were not my dreams to begin with. I never wanted to marry a doctor and play the role of the doctor's wife. Sure, it's a nice dream. But the reality of it sucks. Now is my chance to seize the moment and create the life of my dreams. I get to choose something new, and something better. I get to start over.

I almost wish I didn't know when the court date was. Someone would just show up and say the judge is ready for you. That would be easier. Waiting... it is always the waiting that sucks. But come on, I've been waiting for nine months. Here is the other thing: I have hardly told anyone about my court date. I haven't called my friends... I need to do that. I just don't want to get everyone excited again if things fall through. But I need my friends right now. I do.