I Hate the World Today.

Yes... so I stole lyrics from Meredith Brooks. But for today... I just want to hide under my covers and hope my monsters go away. Really, I never thought Kevin could do a week on week off. But for the first time ever it happened. My heart feels so broken... I cannot stand not seeing my babies for a week. Camille calls crying, asking me to come pick her up. I can't exactly explain that would be kidnapping. So I do my best to tell her that we will see each other soon, send all the girls e-cards, and call once a day. Really I would call like fifteen times a day... but that would be borderline psycho. The first week of school is my territory. I have been a stay at home mom, and Kevin has never been interested before. Now he is super controlling. I'm so mad that one person can choose to destroy a family of five, without any input from anyone else. I feel like I am running out of appropriate adult reactions. I just want to scream.

So tomorrow is a fresh start. Tomorrow is my chance to surround myself with peace at DBU. Tomorrow is my chance to catch up with Dr. Mullen. Tomorrow I get to physically see Bryan. But God, please, could you just make the tears stop so I can sleep? Mark called... he gave me a pep talk, and a get it together talk all in one. He even offered to come spend the night. Now I'm thinking I should have accepted... I could use a shoulder to cry on for awhile. Mark's parents divorced when he was Gigi's age... he has lots of wisdom from the kids prospective. Not only that, but being a former teacher, he has solid advice. I wish Mark was here to hold me.

Mark did advise me tonight to ask Kevin, politely, to send all messages via email. That way everything is documented and we won't fight over what was or was not said. I did that. Here is the hump I just can't get over... small group Bible Study with Kevin. I couldn't go tonight. The thought of being in a small room worshipping with him made me literally vomit. This is scary... the kids in school full time, I'm in school full time, the million appointments we all have, homework, and paying bills. I really do wish Angel lived closer... I would love a roommate. Everyday is a new beginning... I'll just try again tomorrow. Bur for now, *ouch*, my head hurts. I hope this isn't depression creeping up on me. Anything but that.

The darker the night, the brighter the tomorrow.



Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone.

I feel like a series of labels... I guess you could say I am the girl with PTSD, anxiety disorder, major depression, dysthymia, adjustment disorder... who the heck knows what else. Oh, maybe I also have hippocampus envy. You know in depressed people they generally have smaller hippocampuses... by the way you can get an artificial hippocampus now... just visit Ohio. In general, I think that I cope well and have worked really hard to overcome these labels. But then, wham, life throws a curve ball, and here I am... a crying heap of very embarrassing, socially unacceptable labels. I hate labels.

But you know what I hate more... in order to get better, I have to do the opposite of what feels instinctual. I want to curl up in my pajamas, stay in bed, read, take a bubble bath, and nap. That is what my body is telling me to do. Just sip some Gatorade now and then and rest. Wrong! Nope, no matter how bad I want to just stay alone and cry away the day, I have to do things to get better. Bryan helped me come up with a list, and they weren't even unenjoyable things. His list included things like going to Starbucks, having lunch with a friend, getting a massage. Do you know I actually cancelled a massage. It's true. And for those of you who care about my manicures and pedicures (none of you), let's just say I'm in desperate need of a nail salon. See, these are not difficult things. What else: jumping on the trampoline, swimming with the kids, bike riding. He didn't even use dreaded words like a stair stepper or weight lifting. Nope, easy breezy tasks. But they are not.

For now, I will pull my fake smile out of the drawer, glue it to my face, hope no one notices my puffy eyes (guess I could add shopping for sunglasses to the list) and force myself to go to my re-scheduled massage and facial. Really -- you know a girl is having a hard time when that seems like a chore.

I know this will pass. I mean it has the million other times it has happened. But the timing just sucks. It is happening right in the middle of my divorce. Can't crazy take a break? But it just reinforces totally illogical reasoning that I must be to blame for the divorce. Or I am damaged goods. Or maybe I do need to go to Ohio for a new artificial hippocampus. I'm sure it's all the rage.

Just like the title of my blog... Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone.

The inspiration.

I love to follow a blog entitled "Randi's Reality." Randi is an inspiration -- her story is one so many of us could be living. In life, we are all a few bad choices away from what happened to Randi. She is in prison for drugs. But she uses her time in an awesome way... she shares God's word with others. When you read her blog, you can't help but to feel a tug at your heartstrings. I came across her blog in an unusual way -- her sister Shauna. Shauna helps run burbmom.net, and it responsible for the beautiful makeover of my blog. We realized we lived close to each other... and then I learned about her sister.

When my days seem dark, and life takes me on paths I really don't want to be on, I think of Randi. She is in a place no one would want to be. And yet she focuses on God, and the glory he can bring to her and others. She is a disciple for Christ. When I'm depressed, her blog is one of the first I turn to. So here is a shout out to Randi -- you make this world a better place. If you get a chance, visit her blog at randisreality.com. Anyway, she had this poem posted, and I love it:

As I look in the mirror, on the wall,
I see me, looking back, at who is supposed to be me....
Am I surprised at what I see,
or should I turn around, one hundred,
and eighty degrees?
That will make me turn the other cheek....
Take a good look around, before I speak....
Then I can think, before I say,
I want to look at myself in a different way...
I should always be happy, when I look myself in the face....
As far as I'm concerned, I can't be replaced.
I'm one of a kind, and I'm unique,
when I look back in the mirror, and the mirror speaks......
It's only myself, telling me, to do what it takes, to be a better me.

By: James A. Tinsley (JT)

My poor neglected blog!

I seem to blog in spurts... and the spurts just aren't happening. But rather than being accused of slacking (ahem... you know who you are... and there is more than one of you!) I will blog. So here is a loaded question I have read and pondered:

I also want you to think about this concept of personal baggage and how it has affected your current and/or your past relationships. Once you do a personal baggage check, declare one piece you no longer want to carry with you. I’m being a bit vague on purpose here because your interpretation of my request will say a lot about your personal situation. So what about you? Are you ready to start traveling lighter with less personal baggage? If so, what are you ready to leave behind today?

So I am going to ponder that a while longer... like I said, literally a loaded question. I would love to lose the PTSD baggage. As hard as I try it seems to morph into different anxieties, nightmares, and situations. But I am optimistic -- until my next panic attack. See... I can't seriously blog... my sarcasm level is too high. I promise to try again soon.

UPDATE ON THE DIVORCE:

Mr. Man is living in a hotel. The boundaries are still weird because he shows up at odd hours. But I close on my house June 4th! Ironically A closes on her house the same day... I see that as a sign of good luck! Oh, and the street address is the same last four digits of Lily's phone number when we were growing up. And Lily lived on a street with the same name. I don't so much believe in luck as I do God whispers. I think God is nudging me along... at least in life... not this blog.

Bloggers block?

I have had bloggers block... not for a lack of *drama* in my life... just too much drama that I don't know where to begin. So Kevin was ordered to move out by May 1. We went to mediation and his legal team (two lawyers and a paralegal) made an attempt for Kevin to keep the house. So the mediator (a former family judge) said that if I found a house within a certain price range in a certain city, to go ahead and buy it. I looked and found nothing! My mom looked in that price range, and found nothing. So I was going through the MLS once more and found a newly listed *beautiful* house, in the right city, in the right price range, on a cul-de-sac, with a pool, and lots of kids on the street. Good news, huh?

Not so fast... Kevin now can't decide what he wants. Really? Still? Haven't we been through this ad nauseam? I offered to move out, and he thought the price range was too high, or he didn't like the neighborhood. So then he was ordered to move out. He can't decide on anything and made a power play (misleading the mediator) in order to keep this house. My *one* attorney informed the mediator of the judges order -- that overrides anything in mediation, unless I agree to a change of the orders. So I did my homework (again) and he is still disagreeable! He said he can't make up his mind. I have never met a more confused individual in my life. He doesn't know what team he is batting for, he doesn't want the ramifications that come with divorce, he doesn't know where he wants to live... I could go on and on.

So we are back to the ever important word boundaries! I told him I would look at this one house, and if I liked it, we could make an offer. But I told him that was it... I am not running all over town wasting my time and my mom's time trying to find a house that he will always say no to. I'm not putting my life on hold any longer. If he says no to this, I told him I am staying put, just like the judge ordered. I will eventually sell this house, and find another one. I am tired of the drama and emotional energy it takes to negotiate with him. I am going to have to have the conversation that the locks will be changed May 1. No more letting him stay here, with all his crap, on his week. He needs to pack and go, or I need to pack and go... the concept really seems quite simple... that is what a divorce is!!!

He has lied about his work schedule; he still has not produced the all of the financial information; he has lied about where he works; he has failed to disclose one of his trust funds (this is his effort to say we have no liquid assets)... the list could go on and on. I feel like this is some hellish version of a high school breakup. The only difference (which are major differences) is that we have kids involved and community property to divide. However, if we stick to his schedule, we won't be divorced for the next ten years! I want to move on with life!

I get that these are all big decisions, but given the fact that he has been planning this divorce for well over a year, he needs to get a handle on things. He needs to understand that you don't get to fire your wife, and keep all of the kids, money, and assets. The children are suffering the most! If for no other reason, this should motivate him to make up his freaking mind!

I am proud of myself for pushing forward despite his unwillingness to settle this. I'm taking my co-parenting class -- I can't force him to go -- but I will and do the best I can for the kids. Since I was awarded the house, I called to have the roof inspected after the hailstorm. And yes, we do need a new roof -- problem is I can't even get Kevin to tell me who insures our house! I think it is State Farm, but he dodges the question. So I will spend fifty dollars to call my attorney, who will call his attorney who will charge another fifty dollars, and then more money for the information to go between the lawyers and finally get to me. Can you say crazy? Can you say irritating? Can you say control freak? Geez!!!

So here is my motto right now:

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know it is me.

That's it... as frustrating and silly as this is, all I can do is be proactive and keep on keeping on.

Oh wait... don't let me forget the silver lining... after describing the psychological turmoil the kids are in, and given the fact that this divorce is so complex, the mediator ordered us to see an LPC for parental coaching. Heh... that is the PC word for "You freaking people need to get your crap together for the kids, so we are forcing you into therapy!" That makes me happy, very happy. Being forced to sit down with a neutral third party to help with a co-parenting plan is one of the best things that could happen right now! Our lovely little girls deserve stability, structure, routine, and consistency to make this transition as easy as possible. So I will end on that very happy note! ;)

My first week without my kids.

I agreed to a week on and a week off for custody. Kevin loves the girls and wants to spend time with them -- I can't argue with that. But here is the rub: he has not found a house yet, so I moved out for his week on. I miss my girls terribly. I miss every little girl giggle, braiding hair, saying prayers... all of it!

And it is not like I am alone. I am staying with a friend of 15 years. He and his partner took the week off to stay with me. Mark is a gourmet chef and has made some amazing meals... the kind that just make you feel like you are in culinary heaven! They have wined and dined me; we have played games; we have been on long walks; we have spent time with their neighbors. They turn down my bed at night and treat me like a queen. It seems like at least once an hour I hear, "Kimmy, we are so happy you are here." I have a beautiful guest room and bathroom. And I get to speak my native language... adult English. All of this is fantastic, and I am grateful beyond words. But I miss Camille, Gigi, and Charlotte.

Kevin "forgot" he has to work tomorrow, so I will get to pick the girls up from school. Then I will take them to church and get them to bed... then leave again for Dallas. I can't wait to scoop them up and love all over them! Kevin goes back to work Friday, so he will be moving back to his hotel and I will go home.

Despite my custody issues, I am so blessed. During my marriage I lost touch with lots of friends. But just like true blue friends they are here for me. We laugh, we cry, and we get silly. Maybe this little break is a good thing. But it does not stop me from watching slideshows of the girls on my laptop!

The birds and the bees.

Some of our neighbors just adopted their third child from Russia. They were throwing a "meet Lex" party, so I took the girls. As we were walking home, Camille said when she grows up she isn't having kids -- she is adopting. So I told her that was a cool choice and their are lots of kids who need good homes... just ask Madonna. Then she dropped the bomb... she said, "I'm not having kids because I think I know what you have to do to make them." Of course I inquired, but she thought she might get in trouble for saying "the" word. So I said, "Sex, are you asking about sex?" And yes, that is indeed what she wanted to know about *at eight years old.* She thought people get in trouble for having sex. So we talked about how God created sex for procreation and love in the confines of marriage. But she still has a ton of questions. I'm doing my best to answer... but yikes, this is uncomfortable territory!

A little spring cleaning around the blog...

Well, Shauna did an awesome job on my blog. So hear is a shout out to you Shauna... love you girl! Have fun in Mexico!

Living on the edge of a divorce.

I am literally clinging to every precious and positive thing in my life right now. The emotional pain of watching my three little girls deal with this divorce is enough to make anyone sick. I took them to the lake this weekend to go sailing. Friday started out edgy to begin with: Camille didn't get home from school until 5:35 because the bus was caught in traffic, NASCAR was going on full-blast, so then we sat in more traffic. Camille cried inconsolably all the way to the lake. She said she needed to cry... and frankly, I wished I could of joined her. But I was out in the middle of the country and it was pitch black.. I only had words to bridge the gap to the backseat. Just when I thought Camille's tears were terrible, another unwelcome noise joined the chorus. Gigi started vomiting... everywhere! Let me reiterate I was the only adult in the car, we were on a narrow highway, with no medians, in the pitch dark. There was nowhere to stop! All I could think about was getting to the boat ASAP. I have never been so happy to see my parents. I'm sure they were thrilled to open my car door and find the chaos ensuing!

My little Camille is really struggling though. I would do anything for her. Tonight I pleaded with Kevin for him to move out to an extended stay apartment until he buys his house. Something has to change. I'm just wondering when Kevin will realize every person he lives with is in therapy, and yet he is Mr. Perfect? Surely common sense is alive and well... somewhere.

I am pushing my attorney, I have a meeting with the social worker, I must have progress. I will not allow the kids to keep living in this insane environment. It is not fair to them. They are the only innocent victims of this divorce. And I don't want to role model "how to be a victim" to my daughters. I want to teach them how to be strong, healthy -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually, down to earth, wonderful kids. I can't change the divorce, but I can change how they see me. I will be a good role model for them. God, please bless and protect my children.